We’ve all seen the movies and read the stories about messy divorces that cause even more hardship to both people. As if the fact that your marriage is falling apart is not enough! When going through a divorce, more pain, more stress and more anxiety is the last thing you need. This is why I have outlined three of the most common stressors of divorce and how you can overcome them and move on.
The Feeling of Guilt - Many women will think that the divorce is their own fault. Perhaps you feel like you did not love enough; perhaps you paid too much attention to work and not to your husband; perhaps you yelled a lot; perhaps you made false accusations; perhaps you took too much….stop. Just stop. This guilt trip is not going to do anything but make you feel worse. You can go through a million different reasons why and, unless the answer is laid out in stone, you may never know the real answer. The reality is this: people fall in and out of love all the time. And, in most instances, there is nothing you could or can do about it. Even if there was, it’s over now. The past is in the past. So don’t beat yourself up about it and instead take this past experience and use it in the present and the future.
The Feeling of Failure - Many people look at divorce as a failed marriage, or as a failure. No one likes to feel that they have failed. It is an awful feeling. You most likely don’t want to talk about it due to shame that society has attached to it. And you are worried that people are thinking ‘poor her’ or ‘glad it wasn’t me.’ You may even think people are laughing at you or thinking ‘I told you so.’ Okay, it’s important that you brush these thoughts out of your head. You need to be strong and move on. Associate with those who have been through a divorce and can help you overcome these feelings. You are not a failure. One in two marriages end in divorce - you found a love so deep and a man so special you wanted to marry, you lived in wedded bliss and you learned something along the way - how is this possibly considered failure?
The Feeling of Loss - Even if your divorce is messy and you just want to get out of the house and never look at that no-good husband of yours again, there is most likely a small part of you that is aching from a broken heart. After all, you did love your husband, and you most likely still do. You might even always love him. You cannot change the past and you also shouldn’t want to. Instead, find the gift of lessons that it provides. And try to think about the good times and the love you shared as a major part of shaping the person you are today. This love will always be a big part of who you are. Furthermore, this love only proves that love does exist, and it can again, even after a broken heart.
© Vanaja Ghose 2010