During the beginning of my pregnancy, Jimmy started to lose his eyesight. He lost weight and moved in and out of the hospital. I tried to breathe words of hope into his heart. Simultaneously, I was pulling away from him. I was afraid of not being able to survive without him. I meditated and prayed for him over and over again but I started to understand that Jimmy’s destiny was very different from all of ours. He was here to touch many lives in a short period of time and there was a great beauty and simplicity in the impact he had on others. I was starting to truly accept that his life would be coming to an end.

As my pregnancy progressed, Jimmy became increasingly ill and ultimately went blind. He always loved having my son, Kesic over to feed his fish and he was crushed that he could not see him any more. For the first time, he was frustrated and did not want to accept that he had to rely on others. I began to feel guilty, wishing that I could have been a better friend to Jimmy. I was 8 months pregnant when Jimmy was admitted into the hospital one final time. He was so weak and in so much pain, I could see he was slipping away.

I selfishly wanted Jimmy with us forever but knew this was not the way anyone should live. When I went by the hospital to see him he was on so much morphine that he was not very lucid. When I walked into his room, I knew it was going to be the last time I saw him. Ken and I had an anniversary trip planned for the upcoming weekend and I was certain Jimmy would kick my bottom to the moon and back if we did not go. Our baby was due in a month and this would be our last chance to get away. The hospital staff did not like having a pregnant woman in his room but I ignored their demands. I went into his room and placed his hand on my belly. I just let him feel my belly and then I grabbed his hand and put my mouth to his ear, and I whispered, "I love you. It is okay to go now." I kissed his check with tears running down my face and whispered, "Good-bye".

We left on our trip that afternoon and while I felt a lot of anxiety and guilt, I knew that Jimmy would want Ken and me to go on our trip. Yet, I could not shake the great sense of selfishness. I was feeling a sense of confusion not knowing how to be there for Jimmy and truly thinking of Jimmy and his spirit being in bondage in his body. As Ken and I drove up the coast, I began to cry and worry that we should go back, and then suddenly I felt Jimmy’s presence. He was with me, telling me to go and make peace with saying good-bye.

I took the time during our stay to connect with my husband, my baby and my own soul. I made peace with the fact that my Jimmy would be leaving very soon. I was fortunate enough to be staying at a beautiful spa with these magical gardens and a labyrinth made out of large stones. I went to the labyrinth on our final morning there, and as I walked slowly inward I said good-bye to a great love and confidant, one last time. Letting go of Jimmy was a metaphor for my acceptance and willingness to move forward and know that I could survive without him. I was ready to move on and soar with the birds; I put my needs aside and truly embrace the freedom Jimmy deserved in death. Jimmy truly had impacted my life and I felt a deep sense of gratitude for him.

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