Okay. So you did something wrong. Maybe you made a social blunder; maybe you carried out some task and failed. In short: You messed up.
For people with low confidence, failure can be downright devastating.
I know. Because I used to be ashamed of things I did or said. All the time.
And Iím not talking about calmly realizing oneís wrongdoing and immediately learning from it. Iím talking an involuntary panic-anxiety-attack-like-muscle-spasms-complete-with-grinding-teeth-and-making-noises sorta sensation.
With an inner voice going like: "Screw you! You messed up, and you're useless! You're unable to do anything right, and you should be locked away! You messed up, and that's all you're ever gonna do!"
Every day, several times.
And it doesnít even have to be something big. It could be a misused word, a social faux pasÖ anything.
When non-fident people react drastically to making any kind of mistake, itís because non-fidence is often accompanied by low self-esteem, perfectionism, and insecurity.
When we have low self-esteem, we tend to judge ourselves more vigorously than we would our peers. If we donít like ourselves, weíre hard on ourselves. Simple as that.
But moreover, if we donít allow for ourselves to make mistakes, we develop perfectionism. Which, in turn, makes it seem so much worse to us when we do make a mistake. ó Or even do something in a manner less than "perfect". (Which, as Iíve written about before, is a BS notion.)
And then thereís the insecurity, which doesnít allow for much space for mistakes, nor for even trying. This is governed by the amygdala ó the reptilian part of our brain ó most commonly known for our "fight or flight" mechanism.
See, amongst our primitive ancestors, social identity was way more important than today. Dangers were all around. If you messed up something, it could get you expelled from your tribe and thrown out into the wilderness on your own.
All of this perfectly illustrates the dangerous downward spiral of non-fidence. If we have low regard for ourselves we make less space for ourselves to make mistakes. This, in turn, causes making mistakes to be even more likely, which, then, will only lead to much more self-loathing and shame.
Because we DO make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. We know this perfectly well, yet tend to act like weíre the only flawed person alive.
But hereís the kicker:
Confident people make WAY many more mistakes than less confident people.
The more confident you are, the less regard you give to other peopleís opinion about you. The higher you think of yourself, the less you worry about making mistakes. You know perfectly well that your rights outnumber your wrongs. You know perfectly well that youíre able to learn from your mistakes.
Indeed, if you donít make mistakes, you can never learn. And if you donít learn, you donít grow.
In other words:
For every time you messed up something in life, you had the opportunity to learn, grow, and prevent yourself from making the same mistake again.
So get out there and mess up. Badly. Learn, improve, repeat. And as you learn and grow, watch as your confidence grows with you.
The next time you're embarrassed about something, use the following method:
- Stop what you're doing.
- Breathe. Ten long, deep breaths.
- Think. Realize that whatever negative response on your part are merely thoughts, and that they're not necessarily true, constructive or favourable.
- Choose how you want to feel about what happened. Do you genuinely want to be ashamed? Or would you rather accept, learn, and grow?
The choice is yours.