"I'd like to talk with you about something" she says.

"What now?" he asks with a sigh.

"Well I'd like to know what we are going to do about this problem" she says starting to get frustrated.

"I'll take care of it. Stop pressuring me!" he shouts.

"I'm not pressuring you. I just want to help and I think we should talk about it," she says imploringly.

"I said I'd take care of it. I'm working on it. Why won't you get off my back?" he says emphatically.

If this dialog sounds familiar chances are you are married or in a long term committed relationship. It is not only extremely frustrating to have this miscommunication, but it can wreak havoc in the relationship.

To unravel this miscommunication and ultimately design an improved method of problem solving, you need to understand some gender differences that are the underpinnings of many misunderstandings between men and women.

Men and women problem solve differently. Because men are very goal oriented problems become something they need to conquer. Women on the other hand are process oriented. This means they approach problems as opportunities to explore options. While men are competitive and want to prove themselves by solving the problem on their own, women strive to include others in the process of problem solving to come up with a group decision.

So if we take another look at the dialog above with this in mind, the miscommunication is much easier to unravel. First, the wife is trying to have a conversation with her husband about a subject that they have probably beaten to death, and with no resolution. She means well, but he feels like she is just shoving his face into the problem once again. Secondly, the husband also believes that she is accusing him of failing to solve the problem or to solve it quickly enough. In reality, she is offering to help him solve it. Third, the wife assumes that her husband understands that she is trying to help when she asks questions, but he can only hear that she is asking questions he cannot answer.

Let's take a look at a revised dialog where the husband and wife recognize the communication differences between them and actually get to the bottom of the problem to be solved.

"I know that we have talked about this subject until both of us are tired of it. And I know that you have been working hard to think of a way to take care of this problem. I have a few more ideas that I want to share with you to see if we can finally come up with a solution. OK?" she asks.

"You're right I am tired of it and I am doing the best I can. What more do you want from me?" he asks, with frustration.

"What I want is to help. I think the best solution will come from the two of us putting our heads together and brainstorming some ideas that will work for both of us. I want to take care of this as much as you do and I want to be part of the solution," she says.

"Well I'd be happy to turn the problem over to you if you think you can handle it any better," he retorts.

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