My friend Kelli called the other day seeking my advice. "I’m worried about mom and dad," she said. "They are convinced they can stay in their house, but I’m seeing them really slow down and struggle with the upkeep. Where do I begin? How do I start a conversation with them? What can I do to convince them we need to start looking at other lifestyle options?"

This seems to be an all too familiar situation amongst the baby boomer generation theses days.

My first suggestion to Kelli was to start what I call the "internal research" The soul searching, if you will. Unless you’re managing a crisis, the best way to create action is with the Risk and Value judgments that each individual has about aging and lifestyle options. Though it may be tricky to get started, this can lead to wonderfully rich conversations that are a gift to the entire family.

Some families naturally engage in this type of dialog. But without prompting, most do not. Many adult children assume they know how their parents feel, when in reality, after deeper discussions, they find it’s quite the opposite.

In my book, Senior Housing 101, I discuss in depth 16 Risks & Values questions that help couples and families get to the core issues and feelings that will guide them to the right solution. To get you started, try these top 4 questions that most frequently concern older adults. (Or you can simply give them a copy of this article to read, asking for their personal views on the questions after they’ve thought about it.)

#1 ---> Are you concerned about being a burden to your children, family or friends?

A majority of older adults will tell me they absolutely do NOT want to be a burden to anyone. This again is one of those delicate areas where timing is key. Some are advance planners and position themselves before serious issues start to occur, others wait until there has been an episode or two, then begin to get the picture.

When my father-in-law had open heart surgery, my husband had to take vacation time, fly out to Pennsylvania and oversee the care, transition home and be sure they could handle the follow up rehab and doctor visits before returning. This happened several times with various emergencies… yet they remained obstinate and determined to stay in their home where there was no local family support to respond to these emergencies. It was a burden. And while we tried to present our concerns diplomatically and still honor their wishes and independence, it made both my husband and me angry that they didn’t "get it".

It is best when everyone concerned—parents, children, relatives that may have to oversee care—are all participating so all perspectives and feelings are put on the table and heard. Like other risk/value factors, there usually comes a point that a person feels strong enough about NOT being a burden, that they are willing to make a change.

#2 ---> How important is it to make your own choices?

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