From your child's perspective

I ask parents to place a piece of paper on the floor, step onto it, and imagine they're looking at the situation from the eyes of their child. I then ask them to answer the following questions as if they were the child:

- What do you see and hear around you at the moment? - How do you feel?

How could Mum and Dad make you feel better? What could they do or say?

Reassurances and guarantees

I ask parents to write seven reassurances and guarantees that they can honestly give to their child in a graphic wheel. The reassurances and guarantees are things that will help their child cope with the enormous changes that are coming.

Be honest – don't hedge around the difficulties. Don't give false promises that you can't keep because you destroy their confidence and belief in you at a critical time in your relationship. Give them information but not too much – give details of things in the not-too-distant future.

Working together

I also help divorcing parents develop some co-parenting strategies. For example:

- Plan and agree on what both parents will say before they talk to their children. This helps to avoid mixed messages, which can confuse and really distress children.

- Look at the benefits of telling the children together or individually.

- Work on overcoming the ‘blame' mentally and the feeling that the divorce must be someone's fault. - Look for ways to avoid making children feel that they must take sides.

- Try to take the emotional charge out of telling the children

- Help each parent gain more control over his or her distressing feelings and emotions during this difficult moment.

I think it's helpful to remember that divorce changes – but it does not end – a family. Your children are now members of two unique and individual families with all the positive experiences that this can also bring to their lives. It's about your positive and confident handling of the situation that will make all the difference.

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