For some people, it’s easy to feel a sense of anticipatory joy about being with family members during the holiday season. Truly, it can be a wonderful opportunity to reconnect and bond on a deeper level.

There are many of us, however, that have at least one family member we dread spending time with. For numerous reasons, we negatively anticipate being in their presence for even a nano-second. Perhaps it’s a relative who drinks too much, one who criticizes your weight, one who is judgmental about how you raise your children, or one who makes fun of you under the guise of "joking." Possibly there is a sister or brother whose life is seemingly "perfect" – with spouse, kids and a great job while you are single, just barely making ends meet. Perhaps your jealousy gets the best of you, or maybe another relative’s mere breathing irritates the heck out of you, and you can’t figure out why.

Whatever your specific situation, the challenge is still the same. How do you maintain your peace of mind? Your dignity? Your poise? Realistically, you have four options:

#1. Change the person Many of us have tried relentlessly and desperately, often to our own detriment, to change the person that bothers us. We fall into a faulty fantasy that sounds like this, "If ________ would change, then I would be happy." So we work tirelessly to "fix" the person, knowing that all would be well, if only they were different. It can be exhausting to spend time judging, controlling, and trying to manipulate this person to be as you think they should be, rather than accepting how they actually are. My personal experience with changing others is this: IT DOES NOT WORK. This subject could be a book unto itself, so let’s move on to #2.

#2. Leave the person You could choose to avoid the person and bow out of family holiday time altogether. It is your option, no matter how much guilt others may attempt to load upon you. If the person that bothers you continually exhibits unacceptable behavior or acts abusively and cruelly, you needn’t subject yourself to that. Or, if you do decide to go and test out the situation, give yourself permission to leave at any time.

#3. Tolerate the person Grin and bear it? Why not? Isn’t this what the family gatherings are about? One of my clients sent me a notepad with the saying, "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it." This is what many of us do. If you don’t want to cause a commotion and you feel the obligatory need to show up, this method is fondly referred to as, "White-Knuckling-It." It can make it more tolerable to be around your irritating person if you can give up the idea that "you know best" about how they are supposed to be behaving.

#4. Change your perception of the person It is the meaning that we assign to a person’s behavior that primarily impacts our feelings. Since changing our own behavior, thoughts, and perspective is the only thing we can really control, why not put your energy here? When you feel yourself getting upset, before reacting, ask yourself, "How important is it?" Challenge yourself to take in whatever is happening at face value and refuse to dramatize it. Is the issue important enough for you to sacrifice your serenity?

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