3. Yes, and what else? Perhaps the most powerful listening response you can say to another is, “Yes, and what else?” In doing so you are inviting the other person to step farther into their expression. The more they can share, and the less you interrupt or react defensively, the more connected the two of you will be in the conversation. For most people, listening is far more challenging than talking. If you do nothing else, be attentive to what the other person is saying and use these four magic words: Yes, and what else? By doing this it will keep you from thinking about your own needs and agenda, which will keep you focused on listening to the other person. When you focus on what the other person is saying, you will become a star listener. Also, whenever you start a response with “Yes…” you are acknowledging and inviting a more positive response back from the other person.

4. It’s Not You, Really! When the other person is expressing a thought, feeling, need, issue, or judgment, it comes from their reality and is valid for them. It’s not about you! Most arguments would never happen if you would simply accept the other person’s point of view and agree to disagree. I have always said that there should have been at least one more commandment: Thou shalt not personalize. Constructive conversations are not about being right or wrong, but rather, about understanding.

5. Yes, It Is You! Your thoughts, feelings, needs, issues, and judgments are your reality and are valid for you. They have little to do with the other person; and some people (including the other person) may be unwilling to see things your way. A fulfilling conversation (and relationship) is about having, accepting, and negotiating differences. It is not about being right, seeking sameness or consensus. Speak your truth, share your opinion, and make your request if you have one. The other person cannot read your mind, and therefore, will never know unless you speak up.

6. Use I Statements. When you make I-statements you are taking full responsibility and you are being fully present in the conversation. A truly effective communicator must use I- statements. By making clear statements using I first, you will lower your chances of being misunderstood. When you take on the ownership of your feelings, opinions and needs you also diminish the chance of your becoming aggressive and the other person becoming defensive. In speaking from the "I" instead of the "you", you will be far less likely to provoke a defensive response from others.

7. Turn Complaints Into Requests. You bring many, many needs into interactions and relationships. When a need is not met, you will experience an issue. It is impossible for all needs to be met all the time in any relationship, so there will most likely be numerous issues to experience and express. If you make a request and stay focused on what you want to happen, instead of what is wrong or not happening, and negotiate toward a win-win outcome, you will effectively prevent or resolve conflict. This is staying focused on the solution instead of the problem. If you stay in the complaint, you will stay in the problem, and that will never fulfill your needs nor resolve the issue. Say what you are feeling and request what you want and need.

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