8. Check Double Messages. Sometimes a person says one thing but acts in an opposite behavior or wants something different than he or she expressed. Sometimes sarcastic messages mix humor with anger (or other emotions) and are difficult to decipher. Watch for inconsistent body language and other possible inconsistencies. Anytime you notice or feel that there might be some double message, stop and without any analyzing or accusations, ask for clarification.

9. Always Speak Your Truth. Part of the path to being your authentic self is being able to tell the full truth to the other people about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, and boundaries. Depending on the level and depth of the relationship, you can appropriately share yourself. The highest level of connection with another person is that of intimacy. One way of defining intimacy is to use the play-on-words in-to-me-see. This means that there is a transparency between you and another that requires full expression of what is inside both of you. Therefore, truly intimate relationships have an openness that transcends all other relationships. If you try to avoid conflict and try to maintain harmony by censoring yourself, you’ll find that your suppressed truth will start to come out in other ways, such as anger, withdrawal, resentment, or other forms of acting out. When you speak your truth it may seem scary, but will result in the kind of relationship that you really want.

The following are some rather destructive communication tactics to close out this chapter. Obviously you will want to practice the constructive and do your best to stay away from all of these destructive behaviors.

Non-constructive communication behaviors: Analyzing others’ motivation. Focusing on others’ attributes rather than behaviors. Making general rather than specific complaints. Focusing on there and then rather than the here and now. Directing comments toward unchangeable behavior. Rejecting the other person’s response. Being passive or passive-aggressive. Speaking with unclear, non-specific generalizations. Talking at others rather than with others. One-way communication instead of two-way. Dealing with many issues at once rather than staying focused on one issue at a time. The key is to practice constructive communication and stop yourself when you enter into any non-constructive communication behaviors.

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