Road rage. OK. Many people can experience this but when I was sick, my violence level and accessibility to rage were huge and instantaneous. Whenever someone slighted me in traffic, I would pray that they would want to pull over to argue about who was right or wrong. Then I would begin planning just how I was going to beat them down on the side of the road, how I was going to hurt them, how good it would feel to hear their bones break as I pounded. I'd see the whole thing in my head before anything had even happened.

Matter of fact, now that I understand that this very thing happens to people, I don't think I'd care to ever pull over and argue if I was the offending party. I don't feel rage like that anymore but thinking practically, I was always a hands-on person. Too many others carry guns. No one's bulletproof.

Cops. I mean no offense to any law officers out there but the sighting of a cop in my rear view would set my heart to hammering as if I'd done something wrong. This was probably based in a life packed with actual wrongdoings but when I was bipolar it was amplified.

And if I actually got pulled over for some infraction, the stress and anger that would descend was immense. I couldn't stop it. My eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my head from all the rage pushing from the inside. I hated authority and felt I should be allowed to fight about it, man to man. I never mishandled the few times I actually was pulled over but in retrospect, I don't know how.

Loss of impulse control. I would consider what would happen if I veered into an oncoming vehicle or just took a sharp turn into a structure. This is not the same as suicidal thoughts. The purpose was not to die and end all the pain, more one of scientific curiosity. "I wonder what that would feel or look like?" I would simply consider some psychotic move like that and then have to forcefully tear my thoughts away from it and refocus on correct thinking. Crazy, huh?

Confusion and total overwhelm just getting into the car. The anticipation of any of the above items was too much. I wouldn't even get in. I'd have to walk around a while or smoke a cigarette before being able to do it. When my illness was in full swing, I didn't even drive for about a year. Too hard to even consider.

So if you're not bipolar, be careful out there because these are some of the things the guy next to you on the road may be dealing with. If you are bipolar this can all be a thing of your past, same as me.

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