We all know how to be people-pleasers and many of us adopt a pattern of stifling one's needs and goals for the sake of peace, in order to avoid a fight. Perhaps the pattern of the relationship has been to fight over the slightest thing. Why is this happening? You think to yourself, should I just keep quiet and agree with his point of view? You see, it is not the arguing itself that is the problem, it is the way in which you tell your partner that you don't agree with him. There is a right and wrong way to view arguments and differences of opinion

* A healthy self-esteem necessitates assertiveness. You should not for one minute think that in order to avoid conflict that you should just agree with the other person even though your instincts tell you differently. This is a sure fire way to build resentment against the other person. If you struggle with assertiveness, this is where the work needs to be done first of all.

Remember, it is fine to say No! It can become something of a habit to stifle your desires, hopes and ambitions and just agree with the other person. This can extend even to simple things such as what to have for dinner! This is particularly true of personalities that are known as people-pleasers. These types will go out of their way to read what it is they believe others want and try and give this to them, irrespective of what they themselves really want or need.

I believe this pattern emerges from an early age when as young children, we learn to read our parents and how to please them, and deliver the desired result or behaviour. So it is that you might have hated doing ballet, but you saw the pleasure your mother got from watching you dance in the annual end-of-year concert and so persist with this hobby longer than you would if you had to choose. You would much rather do so than risk alienating your parent by admitting how much you hate to dance!

It is innate in every child that they know how to please their parent. An emotionally 'healthy' parent would be aware of this tendency and gently encourage the child to think for him/herself and make his or her own choices within appropriate parameters under the parents' guidance.

You want to have a win-win type of relationship, where you take into account each other's points of view and goals. Negotiating around these needs is healthy and wise. Do not always be submissive and afraid to state your point of view for fear that you might lose your partner, as this will lead you to have more anger. Parties have to decide which issues are inflexible, around which there can be no question of negotiation, and which are not that hard and fast, and which can be used, for want of a better phrase, as a 'bargaining tool' . These are the issues around which the parties can negotiate.

* By far the best tip to avoid irreparable damage to a long-term relationship, whether it be simply friends or a romantic partnership or a business relationship conflict would I believe, be to make sure that conflict is not allowed to build up to such a degree that, eventually when you can no longer contain your resentment, there is an explosion when you are unable to hold back and you say things that are hurtful and vindictive. Eruptions are harder to patch up and harsh words can be hard to let go of. It is much healthier and better for a relationship that discontent is dealt with as and when it occurs. This enables you to start off with a clean slate and on a more equal footing than if you are harboring grudges from a while back which have not been aired, and therefore not cleared or resolved;

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