* Set time aside to talk about burning issues when children are not around. Children should never be brought into arguments, even when the issue is around one of the children. So much damage is done by allowing children to be part of the conflict, whether it is a simple argument at home, extending right to the court-based extent of arguments. Children should maintain their innocence; they should not have to choose between their parents and show allegiance to either one. Forcing children to choose sides harms them in so many ways, some more subtle than others. You should never bad-mouth the other party to the child or in the child's presence. Research abounds on the anxiety this generates for children, to say the least. Much has been written on parental-alienation syndrome, which is related to this issue of denigrating the other parent to the child or in the child's presence.

* Begin the conversation by pointing out the attributes of your partner which are really positive and which are his/her strong points. Do not launch straight into what it is about your partner that irritates you or is driving you mad! Be sure to stress the positives, even if you have to dig deep at this point. Everybody loves to hear something good about them. This sets up a proper forum or state of mind to hear criticism and to negotiate.

* Do not get defensive by trying to deny all the behaviour being raised if you are the one being complained about. Listen to the points raised as constructive criticism and remember it is hard to get honest feedback these days, so view it as a positive rather than a negative. Rather think about solutions and how you might change your behaviour to accommodate the other party, without feeling like you are 'giving up' on something you had your heart set on.

* Brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm. This envisages that you accept that your point of view, or behaviour as the case might be, is off, and you enlist the aid of the complaining party to help you think of strategies to change. Just throw ideas out as they come to you, without judging their quality, and with no worry about whether or not they will work. You will weigh them up later, for now, it is just about getting ideas on the table. Think of clever ways to solve the problem, treat it as a fun exercise!

* Remember the areas in which you DO agree, such as the love for your children and the desire to see them thrive. After this, think about the ideas that you came up with earlier on in your discussion and rate them as best, worst, possible, impossible and so on. If some would clearly not work, remember to identify what is wrong with them so that variations on a theme might come about.

* Find an area of agreement that you can live with, even if it is not the ideal solution or the one that you would have chosen. Focus instead on the long term results of your compromise and what it will do for your relationship.

* Thank the other party pointing out the problem for bringing it to your attention and sound like you MEAN it!!

You have continued in the relationship for all this time, despite your wanting to leave before, pat yourself on the back for this. See this as a step in your personal growth and in the perfection of a relationship that is based on reality, that meets the needs of all concerned, and that can become even closer through the exercise that you have just done.

* If you are not able to take any of the above advice, see a Registered Family Dispute Resolution Provider and Mediator who is an expert in resolving conflict and who can help you to take the necessary steps. Often just watching the Mediator and mirroring their style of dealing with conflict, parties can be helped to do so themselves.

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