It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences ~Audre Lorde

In the beginning there were similarities…

Early in your relationship, you and your partner probably rejoiced when you discovered shared interests: "I can't believe you like foreign films too--it was such a downer that my last boyfriend said he shouldn't have to read his movies!" And when gaping differences happened to peek through (you’re a devout meat eater and he's a strict vegetarian), you abandoned your previous convictions with glee ("I can't believe you're a vegetarian. I've been thinking of giving up meat for the last thirteen years but it never seemed like a good time--until now!")

Love propels you to create similarities where none exist.

Intimacy (the emotional, physical and, for some, spiritual connection couples share) is effortless when relationships are new. You feel like you can talk for hours, you experience intense passion, and you want to spend all your free time together.

And as the relationship progresses, you may find yourself minimizing the fact that your once-communicative partner now prefers television to talking or that the frequency of lovemaking continues to decline.

And then there were differences…

If you and your partner have been in the relationship for more than two years, you've come to realize that there are differences between the two of you. Since you're human beings (and, like snowflakes, no two are alike), there's no way around that fact. However, you can be different and still be compatible. Hopefully, you and your partner are compatible in the areas that matter to you both--core values and life goals.

The good news is that certain differences can actually be beneficial. For instance, what's difficult for you might come easy to your partner--her/his personality complements yours: she's talkative/you're quiet; you're playful/he's serious; she's a saver/you're a spender; you're shy/he's outgoing; you're nervous/she's calm…

Unfortunately, differences can also fan the flames of conflict. For instance, the quietness you once described as "charming" can someday frustrate you to no end--especially when it takes all your emotional energy just to get your partner to have a conversation.

The importance of accepting differences

Couples often enter counseling with a long wish-list detailing why and how the other person should change. These may seem like reasonable requests, but often real change doesn't happen because the couple is attempting to close the gap on the inherent differences that define each person--differences that were not obvious or that they overlooked early in the relationship. Such futile efforts (trying to change the unchangeable) merely work to build resentments and break apart intimacy.

An alternative solution is to work toward accepting the differences that exist. The art of acceptance is essential for a healthy relationship. Acceptance should be an essential part of your relationship toolbox, along with your (and your partner's) willingness to compromise and negotiate.

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