With all other aspects of my life rapidly caving in on me, I decided to turn my attention more towards my destitute love life. This turned out to be a mistake. What I was completely unaware of, was that the dating world is in fact a world created by Satan himself in order for mortals to experience the fiery depths of hell before they decided to buy their ticket.
Of course, I had been warned about the dangers of ‘courting’, but in my own egotistical ignorance, I had blamed the mere amateurs for getting it wrong. This brought me to some kind of wonderment about whether or not there are various stages of excellence in the dating world. My friend, for example, cannot seem to get anything wrong. Men pine over her and she cracks her evil whip with a malicious laugh and a spiteful grin, yet they don’t care about being humped and dumped, so to speak.
I am single, and as far as I can tell you, I have been for my whole life. That is, that I’ve never actually had a real relationship. And by ‘real’ I mean holding hands in public, staying over a whole night after sex and knowing each others birthdays. But just for the sake of this article, I decided to venture into the depths of the jungle and try my hand at dating. But before we go any further, the intention of this article was initially a how to on dating, but when I realized that I, myself, have not the foggiest idea, it became a what not to do. You’re welcome…

As civilized as I am, I went to the public house in hope that I would meet someone to date. I walked in looking like I’d walked in the wrong place as I was wearing a skimpy pink dress with strappy shoes and a sequined cardigan. I did get looks, but not the type I was hoping for. I sat down at the bar, casually hoisting up my dress to display my thighs (been going the gym a lot) and again, attracted the wrong kind of attention as I actually had a ladder in my tights. Brushing it off, I ordered my drink:
"Double Martini and lemonade, please."
I anticipated that by opting for a ‘girly’ drink, rather than a ‘manly’ pint, this might attract attention, and I can tell you that the area surrounding me was still very much like a ghost town!
So, so far I’ve learnt the following:
1. Dress according to function/location.
2. ALWAYS check tights for ladders.
3. Make sure you shower or bathe first.

The worst part of the night was after my fourth double Martini when I assumed the worst… That I could actually sing. I took my position on stage and poured my heart into the karaoke microphone singing "Don’t cha" by the Pussycat Dolls in my most seductive voice which rather resembles Jodie Foster’s voice in ‘Silence Of The Lambs’. This just made things worse, as you can probably imagine.
By this time the rest of the pub were half expecting men in white jackets to come and take me away, and if I’m completely honest, so was I. Even the very idea of trying to date turned out to be a complete mess! But then I got a smile. And no, not a suppressed giggle, but an actual smile. After I’d murdered the song, I decided to go in for the kill, asking the smiling man if he wanted a drink. He already had one.
The conversation went on for about twenty minutes. Roughly thirteen words were spoken by each party. The eighth awkward silence had just ran its course when he decided to leave, and even though he was a bit of a dish, I have never been so relieved.
Two hours, six double Martini’s, and one more murdered song later, I went home alone, which rounded the evening off nicely as that’s how I went. After several recollections remembered the morning after, I came to this conclusion:
Dating isn’t something that comes naturally, and practice doesn’t make perfect. What makes you perfect is if you be yourself. Don’t dress to impress because yourself will be enough for that, don’t get drunk in hope that you will loosen up because you only become an easy target for karaoke, and don’t pretend to be interested in something you’re not, because when something arises in conversation about it, you won’t know what the hell you’re talking about – hence the awkward silences. Being an individual is the best thing about the business of life, so don’t betray yourself and try and be something you’re not, because you run the risk of looking like a complete idiot, not unlike myself…