If you don't want to lose weight then these tips are for you. Make sure you follow them carefully to reach your goals.

1-Start early to build a strong solid foundation for weight gain. Avoid participating in any sports, in or out of school. Ensure that all your friends are overweight. That way you can pick up all their weight gain habits and behaviours. Learn to throw wild tantrums when mother doesn't buy you lots of sweets or regular fast food.

2-If you have to get a job, try to find one that involves as much sitting down as possible. Try not to work in a place with lots of stairs, opt for buildings with lots of lifts. Never purchase water from the drinks machine. Your primary focus should be on fizzy drinks with a high level of sugar content.

3-Having a car is vital as it cuts back greatly on walking anywhere. Try to use it at every opportunity. Make sure your car has a large drinks holder and somewhere accessible to store your snacks. The crappier the car the better. This stops anyone from stealing it, and in turn prevents you from having to walk to the bus stop to get to work.

4-Get into the habit of watching as much TV as possible. Around 40 hours a week should be ideal. Think of how many calories you could store sitting in a chair for that length of time. Even better, purchase a games console, you could whip it out and further increase the time you can spend in that chair.

5-Never try to cook for yourself. This involves substantial movement and there is always the risk that the ingredients may contain something healthy. You have been warned! Fast food deliveries are the way to go on this one. On the odd occasion it would be acceptable to throw a frozen meal into the microwave. Something that cooks within 3 minutes should be perfect.

6-A great method to hang onto those calories is to avoid eating breakfast (thumbs up for this one). This will send your metabolism into starvation mode, and when this happens those calories won't be going anywhere. Another great idea is to eat most of your food after 7.pm. This allows the calories to be stored as fat while you sleep. It doesn't get much better than this.

7-Unless you are blind do not even consider getting a dog. After that cute puppy factor wears off, the dog will want you to take it for long walks. Long walks are detrimental to weight gain. If you are feeling lonely, buy a cat instead. All the activity this will involve is to open the door and kick it out a couple of times a day.

8-Never ever read a book or watch a movie about some inspiring sporting figure. This could lead you to forget who you really are, and in a moment of madness you may decide that you want to take up some activity, that may result in you losing weight. Be warned that if you go down this road there may not be a way back.

9-Repeat after me 'I am going to start losing weight soon'. Focus on the word 'soon' because it doesn't really mean anything. Keep repeating this phrase a couple of times a week within earshot of family and friends. You can buy some time here, and keep them all off your back about your health and your weight.

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