...How's your sperm count? Do you know? How would you know? And who's counting?

Although controversy remains, there is a substantial amount of evidence to suggest that sperm counts are in decline.

Some research has suggested that if the drop in Western men's sperm counts continues, by 2050 we'll all be infertile.

Other studies report a 2 percent decline per year in British men over an 11 year period. Two percent per year?

Hmm... could this be the end of the victorious Alpha Western Male? Karmic justice on a pirate civilisation?

What is the problem? What is happening to us? Was Kramer right? The tight tights had to go? Extra large boxers from now on thanks mum.

I had to get to the heart of this matter. I don't know why.

The greatest hit Johnny Knoxville took on Jackass was having the lowest sperm count of his motley crew. Even Wee Man's was bigger.

Anyway, as usual deeper investigation only revealed more contradictions. Sperm counts are on the decline in some cities (LA and London), but are holding steady in Finland and New York.

Oestrogenic chickens, pesticides, plastic, pollution, tights, ambiguous gender dilemmas - all have been held to blame for these "falling rates".

Maybe Jerry and George were right. We're not men, we are children. We won't be sitting with out sons in restaurants when we're 60.

We will be sitting with other barren, grey-haired old fools like ourselves trying to remember a time when men were men and oil was only $69 a barrel.

So, can we do anything about it? You bet we can! Wear boxer shorts, eat half a dozen oysters every other day, take a shot of panax ginseng every morning, pump a little iron in a fasting environment (it raises growth hormone and testosterone levels - more later) and limit ejaculation to every two or three days (preferably with someone).

Oh, and a little coconut oil - extra virgin, cold pressed, won't hurt you either. Your sons can send me cheques through the mail.

To Follow Up

I've had more questions on this topic so far than any topic I've written on, so I thought this may provoke further interest in some of our readers.

An article in the Sydney Morning Herald last week caught my attention last week on the topic of mobile phone use and decreasing sperm count and quality.

"In a study of 361 men seen at their infertility clinic, researchers at the Cleveland Clinic found an association between the patients' mobile phone use and their sperm quality.

On average, the more hours the men spent on their mobile phones each day, the lower their sperm count and the greater their percentage of abnormal sperm."

Apparently men who said they used their phones for more than four hours each day had the lowest average sperm count and the fewest normal, viable sperm. Hmm....the brain tumour I can deal with, but a low sperm count....?

Just how many hours a day do you spend on your mobile phone?