I am now in the generation whose parents are getting old and sick. It’s the cycle of life. I remember when my grandfather was in the hospital dying. My Father was by his bedside all the time. Now we are facing that stark reality: our parent’s decline and their mortality. Our parents are in a stage of life that is not only difficult for them but for us as well, physically and mentally. How do we deal with the inevitable changes they go through? How do we create a relationship that will support them during these difficult times?

My Dad is in his late eighties now and in very bad health. He shuffles with a walker, has a heart that should have given out years ago, has neuropathy with little or no feeling in his legs and a horrific back that has endured two spinal fusions and leaves him in constant pain. The latest is skin cancer. So he can be cranky. If I were in his condition, I would be completely nuts and asking to be put out of my misery! Dad? He still goes into his office everyday and works out a few times a week! Adding insult to injury, he has been fighting off Alzheimers for years now and I firmly believe that it is his iron will and determination that have kept it at bay.

I adore and love my Dad. He has been a good Father but Dad was never easy. I won’t go in all the psycho-babble but suffice it to say, the judgments he has rendered throughout my brothers’ and my life have been debilitating. He’s a tough one. That’s why he is still around. Still around with all of his character traits amplified.

Here’s what I know about dealing with my aging and ailing Father:

1) In one ear and out the other: After all these years I have finally figured out that the ‘stuff’ that my Father carries around with him from his childhood makes mine look like a walk in the park! He endured poverty, the death of his Mother when he was two, a stepmother that cared for him but never really showed him any affection, ant-Semitism in a small Ohio town, WWII…need I go on? When he says something that I consider hurtful or inappropriate, I just stop and look at his inner child and it makes it easier to let it all roll off my back. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me.

2) Limit the conversation if necessary: There are still subjects that we really don’t need to talk about. We have learned after all these years that there are areas best left untouched. We have plenty of other things to discuss, things that I have always wanted to know, things that have real meaning.

3) Concentrate on bringing them joy: Whatever I can do at this point to give my parents a little joy I will do. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to call everyday, to send him flowers, to take him on walks…whatever. The things that I know make him happy, I try to do.

4) Accept what is: I cannot control my Dad anymore then I can control what has happened to him. I can only control myself which is hard enough. I can only search within myself to handle things in such a way that will make us all more content and comfortable.

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