What happens when a sense of dissonance in our life is ignored? More likely than not, it will result in a life filled with regret and bitterness. You deserve better: you deserve to get most out of life.

A good friend of mine, Pat, has been married for about twenty-three years. She and her husband have three kids, plenty of money and a beautiful home. There is abundance in their lives in terms of material items.

They hardly talk with the exception of check-ins on the children’s schedules. My friend is a gregarious and curious human being who loves people; she loves to immerse herself in deep discussions about any number of things. She loves to learn and grow

She is desperate for communication with her husband; for a deeper connection with him. She wants to experience more love and caring but he just doesn’t go there: he doesn’t do "deep" discussions or open up emotionally. He doesn’t seem curious at all about the so-called "deeper" things that fascinate Pat. She feels she hardly knows him. She knows her girlfriends better.

What to do? First, she needs to accept the fact that we have control over only one person in our lives: ourselves. Try as you might, people change only when they decide they need and/or want to change. Have you had relationships that went south? Did you attempt to fix the other person? How did that work out? If you did manage to see significant change in that person, trust me, it was because they made the decision to change. You might have nudged them in the right direction - but unless they were fully committed of their own volition - it wasn’t going to happen.

So back to Pat. If she wants change in her life, if she wants more, it’s up to her and her alone. She needs to get very clear about what she wants in her life. What has real meaning for her; what are her passions; who is she (minus all her roles in life) and who is she becoming?

Whenever we hit a major life challenge or life transition, it is important not to make any fast decisions before we gain clarity. We must start with inner work. It’s important to take stock of yourself. Envision a future that will be fulfilling, that will be in full alignment with what matters the most to you. Forget about whether it seems possible. Work in the arena of, "If it was totally possible, I would…" What would the first steps be to achieving that vision?

Don’t go it alone. If you are serious about change, get support. Do the inner work. Ensure that you get reflective time every day by meditating, taking long walks in nature, doing yoga or just being silent. Whatever clears your mind. A clear mind is the key. You need clarity in order to make choices. Try to look at the situation without any preconceived notions or judgments. Forget your habitual way of seeing the world. Drop your personal, past-based filter. Let go of emotional turbulence. Once you can look at reality the way it really is versus the way you perceive it through whatever-colored glasses you wear, you will start to see options that never existed before. Soon you will be in touch with your real desires and intentions. In other words, it will come to you. Trust your instincts.

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