As a family-law attorney for over 35 years, I can tell you that the secret to a successful divorce is to minimize your involvement with the legal system and to avoid using lawyers who work in it. Where one spouse is a controller abuser -- 5 to 10 percent of all cases -- this advice does not apply, but for everyone else, going to an attorney as your first step is the worst thing you can possibly do and court is the worst possible place to settle divorce disagreements.

Here’s why. To get a divorce, you need to tell the court how you will divide marital property and whether there will be spousal support. If you have minor children, you must also tell the court how they will be supported and parented after the divorce -- the visitation schedule. That’s all a divorce is about. If you can be sure your spouse will not come to court to oppose you on any of these matters, all that’s left is some paperwork to get your judgment (decree in some states). This can be done inexpensively in California or Texas by using Nolo’s "How to Do Your Own Divorce" kit. In other states, you can get it done for a few hundred dollars by using a divorce typing service or by shopping your easy case around to various attorneys until someone gives you a fair price. If your spouse is in the picture and cares about the terms, then you need to work out a written agreement on property, parenting and support. There is software to make this easy for you. Once you have an agreement, finishing your case is now just a matter of paperwork and can be done for a few hundred dollars as described above. Inability to agree is almost never about the law, almost always about personalities and emotional upset. If you can’t agree, you don’t need a lawyer; you need a mediator or a collaborative law attorney. If you still can’t agree, you don’t need a lawyer, you need an arbitrator. There are absolutely no solutions for personal problems in a lawyer’s office or in a courtroom. In fact, the legal system is almost certain to make things worse. This is because our adversarial legal system is based on argument and conflict, where one side argues, fights, and struggles to win, to beat the other side. This is a terrible way to settle family disputes. It increases conflict and expense, greatly increases the time it will take you to rebalance your life, and reduces chances for cooperative parenting. Before you retain an attorney to represent you, remember this simple equation: "The more trouble you have = the more money your attorney makes." This is not a good basis for a smooth, successful negotiation. Many attorneys become so frustrated with the legal system that they leave litigation behind in favor of more constructive forms of practice, such as mediation and collaborative law. These are both discussed below. Better alternatives

Self-help. The things you can do to help yourself are far superior to anything an attorney can do for you. Specific steps you should take depend on your situation and are discussed in detail in my book, Make Any Divorce Better. If you follow my advice, things will get better soon.

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