It's that time of year again. Some people call it the holiday season and as much as I enjoy it, I have an additional name for it as well: "The Must/Have To, Could Have and Should Season." In my mind, part of the reason, people are so stressed during the holidays has to do with all of the "must/have tos" that are running through their brains. So, they indulge themselves in various ways to compensate for the unhappiness derived from the pressure of the "have tos." Then, there comes the time of sober reflection towards the end of the year which I call the "could haves." Finally, there are the pledges to "do better" next year, which I call the "shoulds." No wonder people greet the season with equal amounts of joy and trepidation!

I am always amazed when people tell me that they "must go" to an event like a holiday party or "have to" buy a gift for someone. They express no joy in it and in fact are usually conjuring up some way to avoid it altogether. They are baffled when I ask, "Who says you must go? Why do you have to get them anything?" When they give me their justification and I respond,"Then it sounds like you made a choice about it", they are even more confused. This is not surprising when you consider that many people have not set boundaries of behavior for themselves.

Not setting boundaries or enforcing them really speaks to your sense of self-worth. When you refuse to establish these guidelines, it says that you don't value or respect yourself highly enough. For instance, in the example of the friend who doesn't want to attend the holiday party, instead of politely declining, the person is wracking their brains for a suitable excuse not to attend (sick child, flat tire, etc.) as if their desire not to go is not a good enough reason to say "no."

So, what would it look like if you did value and respect yourself enough to be in choice about the things you do, the people you allow to be around you and the way in which people treat you? By declaring and enforcing your boundaries, you will have: 1. People in your life who respect you and themselves 2. More energy because you are not being drained by feelings of guilt and fear 3. Higher standards in all aspects of your life.

Having boundaries looks pretty attractive, doesn't it? So, give yourself a gift this season and choose to set and reinforce them.

Another holiday phenomenon is seasonal blues. It's well known that the holidays can bring up feelings of sadness, stress, and anxiety as people reflect on the past year and their lives. Some see the dreams that were not realized, the opportunities missed, the goals not accomplished. Others regret actions taken, decisions made and moments lost in the whirl of living. Still others ponder unfulfilling jobs or unhappy relationships.

While it is a good and healthy thing to review the past, it is not productive to replay these things over and over in your head and kicking yourself over them. I call this playing the "could've, should've, would've" game. It doesn't move you forward and stifles your happiness with the present. So, yes, review past events but choose to change, accept or release them. You cannot change history but you can make a new future for yourself.

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