When to Apologize

Not all apologizing is detrimental. If you bump in to a colleague in the hallway, by all means, say you’re sorry. If you make a mistake on a project, hurt someone’s feelings, forget an important appointment, or do something that you believe was genuinely wrong, do apologize.

In Marshall Goldsmiths’ book What Got You Here Won't Get You There, he says apologizing is a "magic move." When you use it to address a genuine wrongdoing, Goldsmith believes it moves a professional relationship towards change and growth. Apologizing enables a stagnant and ineffective working relationship to focus on the future and results, instead of the past and resentment. Unfortunately, not all apologetic language is this meaningful or valuable in professional relationships.

Banish Sorry

The first step in changing your language and behavior is becoming aware of your actions. Over the span of a week or two, pay attention to when you say "I’m sorry" unnecessarily. Note what you’re doing and how you’re feeling each time it occurs. You’ll likely see patterns – it may happen when you’re running meetings, when you’re with a specific person that you’re not comfortable with, when you’re under deadline-related stress, or when you’re required to request something of others.

Once you notice the pattern, look to replace "I’m sorry" with more powerful and appropriate language for the situation or address the greater concern that is causing you to question your ability.

In Tom’s case, he was using "I’m sorry" instead of providing more direct feedback to his colleagues and out of concern of hurting anyone’s feelings. Once he realized his colleagues valued his unique perspective and that they wanted their ideas challenged, he began speaking more directly and assertively.

For Rebecca, she discovered something she was not expecting. Her pattern showed that she only apologized in relation to her role as supervisor. She rarely used an apologetic tone or phrase when she was working confidently with her technical skills and never in her personal life.

She realized that she did not like or want the responsibilities of a manager. She most enjoyed her role as a technical subject matter expert and did not want to be ‘the boss.’ With this new insight, she was able to transition to a more appropriate role for her, allowing for new leadership for her team.

One last thing to consider – sometimes "I’m sorry" loses its meaning to the speaker and just becomes a verbal placeholder or a shorthand phrase for something else (like "excuse me," "may I have your attention," "I don’t agree" or "what did you say?"). If this is the case, you may not be aware of the negative impact of your words. The remedy for this is to pause before you speak. Allow yourself time to begin your statements in a more powerful and meaningful way, only a few seconds will allow your mind space to reformulate the structure of your reply.

Removing "I’m sorry" from your vocabulary, except when genuinely needed for forgiveness and atonement purposes, creates a more confident and competent perception. Make the change and see the results.

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