Things you can control

You can’t control the other parent, but you can control how you react to things the other parent says and does. Remember, "If a dog bites you once, shame on the dog; but if the dog bites you twice, shame on you." How long, how often, are you going to let your Ex push your buttons, get you riled, make you feel bad? People are more complicated than dogs, so it takes more than two or three bites and it’s especially difficult when you are interacting regularly about your child, but at some point you have to take responsibility for your own part in cycles that play and replay over and over. At some point, it’s up to you to rise above it and find some way to change how you react to the same old triggers. Yes, it’s best if the other parent is doing the same thing, but remember ... you can’t control that. Focus on what you can control -- you. Parenting is emotional deep water, but for the sake of your child and yourself, you need to turn the boat and start rowing toward a friendly shore and a more useful way of looking at things.

The first part of the equation, the first place to start, it’s all about you and the things you, and only you, can do to make things better.

Parting thoughts. Unless you have an emergency, don’t go to an attorney until you first get organized and prepared, figure out what you want from the attorney, and particularly what attorney to go to. Don’t talk to your Ex about divorce or parenting until you learn how to reduce upset and lay the groundwork for successful negotiation.

© 2008 Ed Sherman and Nolo Press Occidental

Author Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. His latest book, Make Any Divorce Better, does exactly what the title says.

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