Have you heard the joke about the exasperated husband who says to his wife in the midst of a quarrel, "Why are you so beautiful and yet so stupid?" His wife, maintaining her composure, ponders for a moment then replies. "I am so beautiful so you will find me attractive and I am so stupid so I will find you attractive."

Perspective: it can make a big difference how we think, feel, behave and relate to the opposite sex. Substantial psychological research on gender differences has shown that men and women differ significantly in how they perceive, think and communicate. Men tend to approach the world from the point of gaining status, preserving independence and avoiding failure. Women tend to approach the world as a network of connections and try to preserve community, intimacy and avoid isolation. (Tannen, 1990).

Views about marriage differ by gender. Surveys suggest that, men tend to see relationship and marriage as a place to relax and feel they can recharge when stressed or tired. Since the world is seen by men as a place to gain status and avoid failure (an independence focus), home needs to be the opposite for men. Ideally a man can kick back, feel unchallenged. Often he engages in an independent activity like reading the newspaper, watching TV, puttering around the house fixing things. It could be an activity together with his spouse like renovating, going for a walk, skiing together. What makes home relaxing is the activity itself and the comfort of knowing that his partner is nearby. A sense of security in a relationship for men seems to be greatest when he is in activity and she is nearby.

Women also want to feel secure enough to relax in their relationship according to these surveys. Talking seems to help women relax (preserve community and avoid isolation). For most women, security in marriage comes from the interactions with men. They want to feel emotionally connected in order to relax and do this by expressing themselves and listening to their spouse. Of course women like activity and men like communicating, but the degree that each wants it varies. So while both men and women want a sense of security from their relationship, that security comes in slightly different ways and feels different for each of them.

Here is how this subtle difference can become a problem. A man thinks he is honoring the relationship because he is relaxing with activity at home with her. On the other hand, she thinks he is failing to honor it because he is silent, not interacting and having a conversation with her. This subtle gender difference can lead to significant relationship problems.

In their book, How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It, authors Patricia Love and Steven Stosny claim that talking about your relationship will not bring you together. These authors contend that less emphasis should be put on communication and more connection. They outline how connecting for men is through activity nearby or with their partner and for women it is talking, listening and interacting with their partner.

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