The Law of the Land: Well, It Used to Be

The average American’s Bill of Rights:

1. You have the right to pray to any God if you believe in one. The government will not get in the way unless some anal people get involved. You can say or print any stupid, idiotic thing you want, but beware, someone may beat the crap out of you or sue you for doing so. The press can say or print all the incorrect, left-wing, and liberal untruths they want and to spin the truth to fit their agendas. You and all your drunken friends can gather together peacefully and make complete fools of yourselves. You may pissand moan to the government any time you want something free that other taxpayers paid for; this includes the big-screen television you bought while you were on welfare.

2. You have the right to shoot yourself with the gun you purchased illegally at the monster truck show. You can blame someone else when you do something stupid, like letting your child get shot with the gun you did not protect them from. You can go out and kill animals to make yourself feel manly. You can wear all the camouflage outfits you want. You can have your child wear camouflage underwear if you so desire. You can shoot beer cans off fence posts to make yourself feel like Dirty Harry. You can play "cops and robbers" with your buddies as long as no one gets killed.

3. While not at war, you will not have to let one of our underpaid soldiers into your rat- and roach-infested home, to sleep on your doggie-toilet carpet and child-vomit-covered furniture, not that they would want to anyway.

4. You can rest assured that no one wants to search your porn collection. Your home (which you cannot find your children in) will be left alone, unless you say something stupid and allow it. Your car will not be searched, unless you forget to put out your joint or that white powder still hanging out of your nose. Your body, which has not been bathed in days, will not be searched. No one will take your stuff, unless you break one of the 150,000 laws on the books in America. For the government to violate these rights, all they have to do is have probable cause; which means if you eat the last donut at the donut shop, you are likely to go to jail later that day.

5. You can take this right to court with you as a "get out of jail free card" if you are in trouble with someone else. You do not have to admit that you broke one of the numerous laws that no one knows about anyway. When your partner in crime gets caught, you can use this right to send him up the river without telling on yourself. This right says that a group of morons like yourself will have to fry you in serious crimes, unless you can get them to think you are the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, or the devil; in that case you get to go to happy land and take drugs all day. You can only be tried one time for each stupid thing that you do. You can only be electrocuted for killing your wife one time. No one will kill you, steal your precious lava lamps, tie you up in chains, or hide you in a closet without following the law. No one will take your stuff, unless they say they need it or the local shopping center will pay your officials more tax money; in this case, you will receive pennies on the dollar for your stuff.. This right is shot to hell if you are in the military; in that case you are just screwed.

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