Want to build and project your authority as you coach your team? Then make sure to make listening before talking your habit. Talking before listening is a common obstacle because you cannot coach what you don't understand.

I understand how this happens. In fast paced environments, it’s a natural tendency to put the pedal to the metal, to try harder, move faster, do more. The problem is that you wind up talking at your people instead of with them and to them. And the obstacle this lack of understanding creates is that without knowing what motivates your people, you can’t engage them where it counts.

When you understand what motivates your people, and it’s different for different people, you can speak with authority that is recognized as authority, because it is relevant and conveys experience and knowledge.

The next most common obstacle is the confidence problem. When managers come off as tentative, hesitant or uncertain, it tends to evoke these responses in the people around them. This problem is the side effect of at least two missing pieces: you first have to know your own motivation, and you must be prepared to speak when it's time to speak. The fact is, people want to be led, not managed, and they need to get that sense of authority from you, because it gives them confidence to do what needs to be done. They believe it when you believe it.

Now, it’s a legitimate question, confidence in what? After all, in these changing times, nobody really knows what’s coming next. And some degree of introspection is prudent for anyone wanting to thrive instead of merely survive. But you can have confidence in your motivations. You can have confidence in what you do know. And you can have confidence that under the right conditions, people will want to give you their best, to do their best.

So, what are the key listening and communication skills that you can improve upon as you work to develop and strengthen others? Fundamental to success in coaching are two essential skills. The first is blending, the second is asking questions.

Blending is the foundation of all successful relationships. It happens whenever you reduce the differences between yourself and another person. It happens whenever you send signals of similarity and commonality. And because nobody cooperates with anybody who seems to be against them, a failure to blend is the root cause of most conflict. If perception is everything in relationships, then sending blending signals is how you create the perception of partnering with your people in a process or project.

As for questions, I believe it was the stoic philosopher, Epicetus, who said "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." Maybe this is the apt metaphor for the way we’re built, but I’ve observed that too many people just don’t get it. Although they certainly think they do. Ask just about anyone if they’re a good listener, and they’ll tell you yes. But most people do a meager job of it at best, instead drawing conclusions and then making statements instead of engaging people by asking questions. Maybe the people who don’t ask very many questions are afraid of looking stupid. Maybe they think it makes them seem weak. Or maybe they think they’re supposed to have all the answers. Maybe it’s just a function of the fact that we can think faster, at 500 words a minute, than most people talk, which is about 130 words a minute. It's not uncommon for our minds to wander to what we want to say when its our turn to talk, so it's pretty easy to get ahead of what we're hearing.

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