Forgiveness is a miraculous act that serves as a release valve that propels us forward into a new life after divorce. To forgive is to be truly free, to be unencumbered by the past. The problem or challenge with forgiveness is that it is very difficult and oftentimes near impossible for us to go there, especially if we are leaving an abusive relationship of some sort. How can we forgive really bad behavior? How can we forgive someone who has wronged or betrayed us?

There are two important elements of forgiveness: what it is and what it gives to us. Forgiveness is the ability to let go of blames, resentments, upsets and negative emotions we hold against a particular person. In order to achieve forgiveness, we go through a process that begins by separating the person who we are forgiving from their behavior. We do so because forgiveness does not mean that we condone someone’s bad behavior. We don’t.

Here’s an example: I learn from my client that her Mother was a highly abusive person, who both physically and emotionally abused her as a child. She hates her for that and many of the client’s reactive behaviors, deep wounds and present situation revolve around her relationship with her Mother.

Separate the behavior from the person. The Mother’s behavior was extremely bad and we do not forgive the behavior. How about the Mother herself? Ask yourself: What kind of a person would abuse her kids?

The Mother’s childhood was brutal. Abject poverty, abusive Father, abusive husband, little education, on and on. We need to look at her through a new set of eyes, those of empathy and compassion. See the inner child of the Mother: a skinny, dirty, hungry, poorly dressed little girl with tears in her eyes. That is an image we can forgive. We can conjure up great compassion and love for that wounded child and then begin to see that the wounded child is still very much alive within the Mother. We experience a deep sense of sadness when thinking of how her life was wasted because she was so crippled by her experiences.

This realization does not absolve the behavior of the Mother. The behavior was terrible. We do not forgive the behavior but we do forgive the Mother who, because of her deep emotional woundedness, seemingly had no control over her actions.

What happens next is part two: what forgiveness gives to us. Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves because it allows us to break the emotional link that binds us to the person we are forgiving. An emotional link to our ex keeps us mentally, emotionally and spiritually tied to the person that we are seeking to divorce! We may have had a physical divorce but we are still tied to that person by a very taut rope. By remaining in blame, resentment or hatred, we keep ourselves locked to the pain that we are trying to escape. We cannot move forward into a new life under these conditions.

Here’s an example: Imagine I continue to be upset by the fact that my ex had an affair. It continues to bring up feelings of betrayal and rejection, and with those feelings comes the extra-added charge of unworthiness and being unlovable. How am I supposed to move into a new life with self-esteem, confidence and a sense of empowerment when I am dragging that weight around?

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