Share the concerns: Explore their reluctance in dialog. What’s going on? What’s the problem?

Share the power: A big part of self-reliance is accepting the consequences of one’s actions. You want to lay out the consequences of action and inaction, and then let them make the choice. You want your teen to make a link between what they do and what happens as a result, instead of making you the issue. Say clearly what the consequences are, and follow through immediately. This only works in advance, not after the fact. Associate rights and privileges with responsibilities, whether it’s food, play, homework or chores.

Punishment teaches children to feel bad, but not to change their behavior. Discipline establishes consequences for positive and negative behaviors, and then delivers those consequences reliably. Cause-effect is nature's way of providing consequences. If you touch a hot stove, you get burned. If you step off the top of a tall building, you drop.These natural consequences give us feedback in the trial and error experiments of our lives, but they can be harsh and painful. To protect your child from the natural consequences of bad choices, establish consequences that hurt less than falling, but are as dependable as gravity.

Sometimes, you have to say NO. But it is in your interest to be aware of the nature of adolescence, and to combine clear messages about consequences with unfailing love, constant curiosity, and open communication.

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