Cutthroats are appalled at all of the faux pirates on Halloween.

Pirates must do the unexpected. Consequently, on Halloween, pirates dress as civilians. They dress like us while we dress like them.

Pirates wear pantyhose on Halloween. They keep their pantyhose scattered throughout the city and countryside, hidden away under the floorboards of laundromats and in little plastic bags behind the trunks of specially marked trees. Others wear leisure suits straight out of the Seventies, the better to mock us. (I hear from my sources that pooka beads and Qianna shirts are especially in with pirates this year.) They carry briefcases and wear neckties, and come to parties as insurance salesmen. A laptop bag or backpack, preferably embellished with a company logo, is always a tasteful accessory on Halloween. Cufflinks, among some old salts, are de rigueur and are always accompanied by a starched white shirt -- Brooks Brothers of course.

Now you know. When you see a proper gentleman or gentlewoman walking on your street this Halloween night, beware. You have just come face to face with terror itself, the embodiment of evil, not to mention a near perfect clone of us on every other day of the year. Aarrgghhh.

©2008 Edward Chupack

Author Bio Edward Chupack is an attorney for a major law firm. He lives near Chicago. His first novel, Silver, is available now from Thomas Dunne Books.

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