The symbol for a journey towards a better relationship is a spiral. Growth itself is also a journey. Look at the center of a spiral, this is where life begins. As we walk on our journey we soon come to a challenge and descend into the shadow side.

This is where we face our fears, learn our lessons and begin to seek the light. We often do not notice the sun high in the sky on a bright summer day. But when we walk outside on a dark night we are drawn to the shiny stars, which are like pinholes in the night sky. Before modern technology we used these stars to find our way through the night.

Follow the line of the spiral through the darkness and you will see that it returns to the light. It does not just return but it goes even higher into the light. The reward for journeying into the dark is to bring the subconscious into the light for illumination. This gives us greater access to our sacred self by integrating the lessons of our shadow. The benefit of going through the dark and facing our fear is not only to heal our wounds and feel better but also to gather strength and tools to face other challenges in life.

Unfortunately, most people spend their lives and relationships hovering just above the centerline before the spiral dips down into the darkness for the second time. They stay stuck in dead end jobs that suck the life out of them. They settle for relationships that are dull, listless and boring. They resign themselves to a life of mediocrity in order to avoid the intensity of going through the growth process that requires facing the dark night of the soul. They focus on small things like getting a bigger house or car, losing ten pounds or buying more stuff that they hope will fill up the hole inside of them. It is not so much that they refuse to face their pain but rather that they don’t have any idea how to travel through their shadow side and create a better relationship.

The first time we go through the process we are like a fool going along on our merry way until the floor drops out from under our feet and lands us on our bottom in a pile of crap. We are completely innocent and totally destroyed. No wonder 95% of people live their lives statistically similar to their parents.

Only 5% of the population will profoundly change their lives from what they experienced as children in ways such as social-economic status, level of education, even living within a 50-mile radius. The number one reason for this stagnation is lack of growth. Why? As human beings we like homeostasis. For most people change is like a bolt of lightning and comes as an external force such as getting laid off from your job.

Positive change happens in the same way like a chance meeting that leads to marriage or finding out you are pregnant. Because change happens as a blast we are not prepared and struggle to get grounded again. So life has taught us that change is scary, and that we have no power or control. The blast of change that "happens" to us forces us to feel emotions that we have buried, after all it is not feelings of happiness that we are avoiding.

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