Can a better relationship be accomplished through our shortcomings and wrongdoings? A teacher once told me that a person who receives an 80% on a test often learns more than the person who gets 100% because when you answer something wrong it becomes embedded in your brain. So does the correct answer, but only if you learn it.

Did the past traditional gender roles lead to a better relationship? Our grandparents’ generation worked on issues of food shelter and clothing. They did not have the luxury to worry about any emotional payoffs for their work. The man was the traditional bread winner and stayed at his job for 40 years and retired. The woman was typically a stay at home mom raised the children, took care of the home and the family’s relationships. Divorce was rare, but is the definition of a "successful relationship" simply one that endured? Their children, our parents, who were raised in this traditional style home, wanted more.

The women’s movement has been credited to the downfall of traditional American family values and seemed initially to have taken us in the opposite direction of creating a better relationship. Women wanted more choice and opportunity. If a woman was in an abusive relationship she did not have many resources to support her children and if she had the courage to divorce, she often found herself and her children living in poverty. Truth be told men were not so happy either. The word power is defined as having choice. There were no discussions back then about who was going to stay home with the kids after they were born a man was expected to work, like it or not. Today people expect to have a job that they are happy doing they also expect to have a better relationship than their parent’s had. But with the current freedoms and power comes greater responsibility. The past may have been restrictive but it was defiantly simpler, having so many options available can lead to depression and anxiety. So as we move forward in redefining and expanding our lives both on a personal level and on a relationship level we expect to have some growing pains.

Divorce statistics are often quoted but what of the marriages that do survive, do the couples report having a better relationship? Adult children from divorced families who are okay with their parent’s break-ups are happy that they, their parents, did not stay in a relationship that was miserable for them as well as their kids. They watched their parents learn and struggle and grow. When a person learns from their relationship mistakes they go on to have a healthy better relationship. This however, does not minimize the trauma and pain of breaking up a family. In fact some families do not learn heal and grow. If a couple does not learn from their mistakes they often recreate the same problem in their next relationships.

So, can the problems you’re having in your current relationship help you to create a better relationship? If you let them, but the difficult part is that our eyes are designed to see outwardly not inwardly. So we often think we have a very clear idea of what is wrong with our partner but we can not see what is wrong with ourselves. The good news is that "like attracts like" so you already have the perfect mirror in front of you. So before you ditch this relationship only to recreate it again with someone new try this exercise. Write down a list of ten things that drives you crazy about your partner. For example (S)he is so irresponsible with money. Then with an open mind cross off (s)he is and write in I am and reread the statements. If you do this openly and honestly you will learn a lot about yourself. Awareness is 9/10’s of change. If all you do is become more aware of who you are and how you are contributing to your relationship issues you are already on your way to having a better relationship. After all isn’t that what our parents were fighting for? A better life! A better relationship!