So you wants to parley like a pirate, do yee? Thar be certain matters to attend to afore yee can tack about and talk like a proper tar. Some landlubbers ain't suited for the seafaring life. If yee play golf on Sundays, unless yee cheat most grievously, yee will never speak like a salt. If yee got yee a tattoo, such as be rubbed on and water soluble, yee ain't fit for any fourmaster. If yee plucks daisies rather than daggers, yee best stay in your cottage and away from the cleats, crossties and clutches. Cut your sails now, lump, for yee be headed for nowheres but dead water.

Thems that desire to treat like sea dogs had best pay heed to these words, for there ain't no better chart on how to maneuver through the shoals and shallows of Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Firstly, here be some definitions of pirate words and phrases, what I be certain will come in most handy for your climb up the jack ladder:

1. No: Aaargghh. (Please note that "Aaargghh" has multiple meanings and can be used in a variety of situations. The use of the expression may be utilized to signify general displeasure. Thus, an acceptable response to, "Dear will you throw out the garbage", or "Sweetie, could you empty the bilge water", could be the aforementioned expression. So too, this particular expression may be used as a threat, as in two parties facing each other and growling, "Aaargghh" back and forth several times before one of the parties pierces the other's gallbladder with sword, rapier, blade, foil or cutlass.)

2. Yes: Aye.

3. These bananas are not yet ripe: I wouldst not serve thems fleaworts to a desiccated monkey.

4. My pants are too tight: Me loins are as scragged as hagberries.

5. Run an Excel spreadsheet on these: Hoist the blood count.

6. This little number is by Armani: Yee must have paid yee a ransom for thems habiliments, yee schmuck.

7. On the right: Starboard.

8. On the left: Port.

9. Where is the bathroom?: Whar be the head? (It is considered proper etiquette in some pirate circles to follow up this question with an inquiry regarding the direction of the air current, such as: How blows the wind?)

10. I love you: Remove your garments.

11. Hello: Ahoy.

12. How much will that cost?: Empty your pockets.

13. The check is in the mail: The coxswain will pay yee.

14. I really think that we should see a marriage counselor: The sea be a lovely colour this eventide. Look yee over the railing. More. More . . . Let me hold your ankles whilst yee look.

15. The court is now in session: Hang them curs from the mainmast.

16. To the rear of the ship: Aft.

17. To the front of the ship: Fore.

18. I am thirsty: Grog!

19. I am hungry: I couldst eat a horse from its hooves to its ears, and have me a mule's cobblers for dessert.

20. Isn't the Yoga class meeting in here today?: Didst yee all forget your leggings?

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