6. Have a complete list of your assets, including real estate and retirement accounts, and determine the value of those assets. Include in this list all items that are owned jointly and those that are owned separately. If necessary, get an appraisal to determine the current value. Think how these assets will be divided between the spouses, before attending a mediation session.

7. Have a clear understanding of your debt situation and who will be responsible for which debts. Make a list of all credit cards, loans, outstanding bills, mortgages. Indicate if the debt is in your name, your spouse's name, or joint. Consider the earning potential of you and your spouse, who will be responsible for paying each debt and when the debts should be paid.

8. List your income and expenses. First, make a list of all income sources, including work-related income, government assistance, retirement income, interest and dividend income, and income from previous spouses. It's helpful to have pay stubs and income tax records handy. Next, list your monthly expenses. Include in the list all repeated monthly expenses (such as mortgage, rent, electric, telephone, food) as well as occasional expenses (clothing, medical, dental). Also include in the list the likely expenses related to the divorce: moving fees, down-payments on a new home or rental property, furniture and other home- making expenses. It will be important for you to consider these items as an independent household. Consider the expenses of the children if they will be living with you in the list. These are important in mediating a divorce.

9. Decide on the lifestyle you both want to live after the divorce. Will you both be able to live the lifestyle that you've had during the marriage? Use your income and expense list (#8 above) to calculate each spouse's financial needs, both current and in the future (for instance, college education for the children).

10. Both spouses should attempt mediation, and resolve as much as possible with a mediator. A well-trained mediator can assist you in pursuing a "friendly divorce" and will support you in creating an atmosphere of trust and open negotiation. In addition to your mediator, if your attorney seems to want to make your divorce into a battlefield, find another attorney.

Let's face it: divorce is painful. But with proper planning and a desire to reach agreement, the you and your spouse can achieve harmony, fairness and mutual respect.

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