Discovering you are pregnant, whether planned or unplanned is an experience no woman can forget. I remember running down the corridor in my house shouting ‘I think I am pregnant’.... I have read stories of women who have wrapped up the positive pregnancy test and given it to their partners as a gift. A gesture that I would have loved to have done myself but unfortunately i don’t possess such patience.

Both my pregnancies were planned, unfortunately i lost my first baby at about 7 weeks. Anyone who has been in this position, which I am sure is many women out there will understand the insensitive comments of ‘well its better now than later when you’re really attached’, or ‘it obviously wasn’t meant to be’. I know people mean well but its no consolation when you have lost part of you, a child that you were already attached to and in love with.

Whilst writing this I realise how far I have progressed in a year, mainly due to the support from my new partner. Until this day though I am still affected by the way I was treated by my local hospital. I was admitted for an early scan as I was suffering severe abdominal pain. The scan proved inconclusive and I had a series of HCG blood tests to determine if my hormone levels were rising at the expected rate. At this point they were concerned I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I will never forget how I was told that I was going to lose my baby. It was a Friday afternoon and I was at home and the phone rang, this is what the consultant said to me ‘After looking at your file, I can conclude that I don’t think you’re having an ectopic pregnancy, however I think it is likely that you have miscarried or will miscarry in the next few weeks’.....

That was it, as simple as that. The consultant obviously deals with women on a daily basis who have lost their babies, why am i special to deserve any understanding or sympathy, I am purely a name. A few weeks later I was admitted for a D&C after more severe abdominal cramping. I had no support, no counselling, that was it. I went home and had to begin the slow process of recovering physically and mentally.

I wasn’t prepared for the emptiness I would feel after losing my baby and lack of understanding by friends, family and especially the medical profession. Friends became none existent, to this day i don’t know why they deserted me when i really needed them, I guess its times like this when you find out who your true friends are. My family were understanding to a point, then as weeks and months passed i think they expected me to snap out of it. At this point i felt so isolated that i became severely depressed.

My relationship with my partner drifted due to my depression and his inability to talk to me about what had happened. Eventually we separated and I vowed never to expose myself to such pain again even if it meant never having children.

‘Time is a great healer’, I always thought that this statement was a comment someone said to you when they didn’t know what else to say. In some cases I guess that’s true but i have realised that time does help. I am very fortunate to now be with a man who understands everything about me, with his help I have overcome the depression and I have never been happier. Without the love and support he has given me there is no way I would be sat here 8 months pregnant writing this article.

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