When you start to realize that pattern of your fighting, you might start to see that you are actually allowing it to continue to happen. Instead of making it something that isn’t good for your relationship, you’re creating the connection that if you fight, you will get something in return. To effectively stop the fighting and start uncovering what the source is, you need to stop rewarding the fighting itself. After a fight, you shouldn’t do anything that makes it rewarding. Sit with each other, but try not to create any sort of reward unless you actually work through the problem that you have fought about.

Fighting isn’t something that you can entirely avoid, but it is a signal that you should look more closely at your relationship and how you are managing it. By taking the time to write out your feelings and then discussing problems calmly, you won’t have to start yelling in order to feel heard.

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