Now give a gander at John McCain. He is a hero, Captain America riding the Straight Talk Express across the plains and prairies and into our parlors, spouting truth and justice and whatever will get him elected president. Do you want the government to buy your mortgage and void a few hundred years of contract law? Would you like five hundred dollars in your pocket right now, only some of which he will take away by taxing it to fund his healthcare plan? How about some government regulation with those fries?

McCain is a maverick, albeit a self-proclaimed one, even though he has touted the Republican line for so long that he talks with Teddy Roosevelt on a regular basis. He used to be a Republican, but Captain America's tights are torn from the wear and tear of the campaign trail. The problem with John McCain, my friends, is that he has been erased and redrawn so many times that he is not even a complete character. He comes in and out of focus, like a picture from an old overhead projector at the Chicago Planetarium.

Does anyone believe that John McCain is real? Here is another foolproof test. He has not been seen in the same room with George Bush. George Bush did not attend the Republican National Convention. Oh, there was talk at the time about Bush staying away because of a hurricane, but when was the last time that Republicans showed any compassion? Maybe someone's drink needed refreshing at a Georgetown cocktail party, or someone wanted another burger at a barbecue or an ally asked for a tank or two, but do you recall Republicans ever showing real compassion? So, we must ask why George Bush and John McCain are never together. Could it be because John McCain is George Bush? And, if John McCain is George Bush, then whom is George Bush? Why Cheney of course! Cheney, who is real, has been running the government from an underground bunker in the mountains of Pakistan where nobody can find him. For all I know he is playing Parcheesi with Osama Bin Laden in Tora Bora, but the point is that John McCain is not authentic.

Long John Silver for president. The more you say it, the more it sounds right. Long John Silver for president. Long John Silver for president . . .

The blaggard is qualified.

LJS would solve our money problems. He would steal whatever we need. He would no doubt take a cut for his own coffers, but that is what all politicians do, and so we can hardly fault him for pocketing some doubloons.

Moreover, Long John would take decisive action. He would not consult Congress. He might rob the members of the Senate and House of Representatives, but he would not consult them. LJS would waste no time getting this country back on its manicured toes and into its puffball slippers. He would, I assure you, send any elected official that disagreed with him several leagues under the sea.

You want a house? Fine. LJS would make sure that you paid for it. Might his price be extravagant? Surely, however you would have a house and no one would take it away from you so long as you were under Long John's protection. There would be no more need to read the fine print. You sign your name in blood and that’s all there is to it!

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