You won't pay any taxes under LJS's regime. Let me repeat that promise. You won't pay any taxes. You may have to, by way of full disclosure, pay a tariff now and then if the stock of White House rum runs low, but that eventuality is as unlikely as Social Security paying you anything in the coming years.

Are you worried about the value of the dollar? Interest rates? Inflation? Deflation? Not to worry. The currency will be whisky and the aforementioned rum, ale on occasion, real assets that you can smell and taste and, if so inclined, drink.

We will have a budget surplus, and almost immediately, just as soon as certain countries pay us the ransom that we deserve for saving them from various calamities (which LJS will initiate so that all nations understand the value of our services).

There will be no trade imbalance. We will sell our goods to others and take them back later.

Long John would not only cure our economic ailments. He is a master at foreign policy. Neither Obama nor McCain can control their running mates, let alone Kim Jong II or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Is there any doubt in your mind that Long John Silver would cut our adversaries into ribbons if they stood in the way of our -- and his -- interests?

We would work much better with our allies if LJS were president. McCain has accused Obama of naiveté by agreeing to meet with our enemies without preconditions. Obama has accused McCain of a lack of judgment by voting for the war in Iraq. Long John does not suffer from naiveté or lack of judgment. He will meet with anyone without preconditions, and if LJS doesn't like what someone says he will hack out their tongue. Problem solved. He cannot suffer from a lack of judgment because no one will dare question his judgment.

LJS will be a strong leader. He will not wring his hands or commiserate. He will wring necks and eviscerate.

He will slice through the bureaucracy in Washington.

LJS will solve our energy crisis. He will barter something inconsequential, such as the State of Delaware, for oilfields in the Middle East and Venezuela. Can you imagine all the good that the corporate attorneys in Delaware will do for these third world countries?

We will have law and order. No one will be afraid to walk the streets at night because no one will be allowed to walk the streets at night. Why haven't our elected officials thought of this?

Have you noticed that no one can sing the Star Spangled Banner in tune? One of Long John Silver's first acts will be to change our national anthem to a rousing sea shanty, one that everyone can sing, must sing as a matter of fact. And, in tune.

Did I mention tights? Long John, like our forefathers, wears his leggings with style.

The only issue with LJS as president is succession. We live in a democracy after all. Putin comes to mind as a natural successor to LJS, as LJS and Putin seem to share so much in common, however Putin is not a natural citizen of the United States and so cannot be our president -- unless Long John disregards the constitution -- as Putin has done in Russia.

Silly me. There is no need for a succession plan. LJS will go on and on as long as there is cynicism in politics. Yes, Long John Silver for president. Forever.

©2008 Edward Chupack

Author Bio Edward Chupack is an attorney for a major law firm. He lives near Chicago. His first novel, Silver, is available now from Thomas Dunne Books.

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