For example, just like we don't quite get why you need so many pairs of shoes, us blokes really don't understand how you women can openly discuss and dissect your relationships and sex lives down to the, ahem, smallest details. After all - it's something that we never do.

But before you dismiss us all as pathetically repressed, what you girls have to realise is this: Whereas you and your friends are bonded together by a intricate web of emotional support (just look at Carrie and the girls in Sex And The City, or the Desperate Housewives), most male friendships work on a different (and somewhat more basic) level. And forget support - ours have developed from an ancient and complex structure of insults and mickey-taking. Don't believe me? Well, just watch your boyfriend next time he's out with the boys and you'll see what I mean.

So it's not our fault. In fact - it's practically genetic. From the first time that Neanderthal man strutted around his cave boasting about the size of his club, man has engaged in the ritual humiliation of his fellow man. And over the years, an unwritten set of rules has developed, passed down from father to son through the mists of time, indicating what things are fair game, which lines cannot be crossed, and which subjects are taboo.

Nowadays, when it comes to the car we drive, the shirt we're wearing, the team we support, even our haircut - guys can spend hours debating their respective merits. In fact, almost anything goes.

But not quite anything. While mates will happily talk about their choices, when it comes to discussing their choice of 'mate', it's a different story entirely. We just don't talk to each other that way about that kind of thing. And while we might be desperate to let our friends know how fantastic we think you are, if we try and bring up the subject directly, at the very least, that's a hanging offence - and not necessarily by the neck. Instead, we make reference to what we think about you in much more subtle ways.

So, if you're out with him and his friends, or even just 'accidentally' overhear him as he chats to a pal on the phone, here's how you can tell if he really thinks you're great - by what he says about you to his mates.

Your Looks: You've just had your hair cut, and it looks fab, and (assuming he's actually noticed) he's told you he loves it. But whilst he might happily say this to your face, he won't dare say those words in front of his mates. Instead, he'll probably compare you to someone who all blokes universally recognise as being a hottie - that way, he's still describing you as being gorgeous, but by association. "Don't you think she looks just like that Sienna Whatserface?" he'll say, not wanting to admit to his pals that he knows exactly who these celebs are. His mates will all pretend to look blank for a few seconds until he adds "Jude Whatsisname's ex", at which point they'll all nod appreciatively before getting back to discussing the previous night's footie results. "But it's important to be sure we're comparing you to the right celebrity" says my friend Will. "After all, how would we feel if we overheard you describing us to your friends as looking like Russell Grant, when you actually meant Russell Crowe?" Oh yes - we're not flicking through 'Hello' for nothing while we're waiting our turn at the dentist's, you know.

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