Your Relationship: "She knows who wears the trousers." It's a common boast, but in reality all blokes know who wears the trousers in any relationship - and it's not them. Because while women can sometimes use sex to get what they want, sex is what we want, and therefore we're always dependent upon whether you decide to take those trousers off once in a while. And believe it or not, telling our friends that "she knows who wears the trousers" is one of the biggest compliments we can pay you. And why? Because we're admitting to them that you're in charge, and despite your position of power, you realise we occasionally want to go out without you and behave like the beer-and-footie-obsessed Sugarbabes-fancying caveman that, underneath this surface veneer of man-about-town sophistication, we blokes all are. "Put in another way" explains my mate Ed, "it means you accept us for all our faults. And we love you for that."

Your Sex Life: This is the one thing you'll never hear us talk about - ever. Guys just don't discuss their sex lives, unless they're talking about an ex. "We don't want our friends to know how good you are in bed" says my pal Tony, "mainly because the last thing we want is them picturing you in any position apart from that of our girlfriend." So while we may love that trick you do with an ice-cube, we certainly don't want to share it with our friends. Instead, we might refer to how great we think you are between the sheets a bit more ambiguously - perhaps by yawning exaggeratedly when we meet up for our usual Sunday morning 5-a-side, or just responding to our mates' comments about how tired we're looking by grinning, rolling our eyes and uttering just one thing. Your name.

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