I'm not talking about talking dirty, you understand. I'm not necessarily talking about talking at all - any sounds that come out of your mouth during sex (apart from laughter, snoring, and, immediately after we've finished, the word 'again') are good. All I'm asking is, if we're making an effort to please you, then the least you can do in return is show us some aural (as opposed to oral) appreciation.

For one thing, it'll make us perform better. Ever watched two teams playing football in an empty stadium? Always a pretty dull affair. Sex is like soccer, as far as we're concerned - remove the encouragement and you just don't get the same level of ball skills.

It's not that quiet sex can't be good, you understand, but there's a time and a place - like a lunchtime quickie in the Reference section at the local library, or at your parents' house, particularly when they're asleep in the next room. And even then, we need to believe that the effort of keeping quiet is even harder than, well, we are.

But bear in mind that there's loud, and then there's LOUD. Take my first time with a 'screamer' - in an effort to finally get her into bed, I'd taken her to an intimate little B&B in Brighton. I'll spare you the high-decibel details, but at breakfast the next morning I shrank down in my seat as the fortunately deaf-as-a-post landlady enquired whether my companion had "managed to get off all right" the previous night - by the looks we were getting from the other guests, it would seem that that had been quite obvious. The moral of the story? By all means crank it up, just not all the way to eleven. We want you to sound like you're having a good time, not a baby.

A friend of mine swears he can tell what a woman's going to be like in bed by the way she sneezes. If she tries to hide it, just by making a face and attempting to stifle the noise, he certainly doesn't expect to be impressed by her vocal range between the sheets. If, on the other hand, she lets out an 'achoo' that'd wake the dead, he's straight round to the chemists to stock up on condoms and earplugs. And if she's a multiple sneezer? Well, light the blue touch-paper and stand back, apparently.

Short of 'accidentally' knocking over the pepper pot, how can we be sure your lack of nocturnal emissions isn't our fault? If we're just not pressing your buttons, then obviously we're never going to find the one marked 'volume'. But you know the answer to that one - if we can't make it work, then give us the instructions, or you'll have to do it yourself.

But don't take my word for it. Rent a movie - I'm talking blockbuster rather than weepy rom-com, fast-forward to the film's outstanding action sequence - maybe the shoot-out in Heat, or the opening beach landing scene from Saving Private Ryan, and press 'play'. Impressive stuff, eh? Mind-blowing, even? Now watch it again, but this time with the 'mute' button pressed on your remote control - not quite the same, is it? Not so... exciting? There's a reason why they award an Oscar for 'Best Sound' every year - the same reason that we like you to be vocal in bed, and it's this: However good the action is, if the soundtrack isn't up to scratch, we might as well fast-forward to the ending.