Bed Is The One Place We Don't Want You To Be Quiet

Don't just take my word for it. Rent a movie - blockbuster rather than weepy rom-com - fast-forward to the film's outstanding action sequence - maybe the shoot-out in Heat, or the opening beach landing scene from Saving Private Ryan, turn the volume up, and press 'play'. Impressive stuff, eh? Now watch it again, but this time with the 'mute' button pressed on your remote control - not quite as exciting, is it? There's a reason why they award an Oscar for 'Best Sound' every year - the same reason that we like you to be vocal between the sheets - and it's this: However good the action is, if the soundtrack isn't up to scratch, we might as well fast-forward to the climax.

We Don't Love Your Brazilian

Ever seen those hairless Egyptian cats? Well, they're not the only thing that looks weird naked. The last thing we want is for you to be bare down there, and frankly, any bloke who gets turned on by that needs professional help - or locking up. We can't begin to imagine the pain you must go through for it, and we certainly don't want you to hurt yourselves on our behalf. Imagine if we did the same - the phrase 'last turkey in the shop' leaps to mind.

Why We Like Porn

We know you think our fascination with porn is dirty and disgusting. But don't assume we like it because we're disappointed with you, and need something extra to get us going. Instead, think of it as the same reason we enjoy watching Top Gear: Although we're quite happy with the Ford Focus on our driveway, we still love looking at the Ferraris - even though we'd be scared stiff to drive one.

Yummy Mummies

It's official - older women are sexy. From Sex And The City's Samantha to, well, all of the Desperate Housewives, more and more men are falling for the allure of the mature. We're beginning to realise that in bed there's no substitute for experience, so as far as we're concerned, there's no 'wrong' side of forty any more. Nowadays we like you with a few lines - and not just of the 'chat up' variety.

Delaying Tactics - The Real Reason For That Faraway Look

Ever wondered why occasionally in bed we're not quite all there - mentally, I mean? That's probably because we're thinking of someone else. Eleven other people, in fact. But don't be offended - it's actually a compliment. Because there are times when we might be so turned on by you that we're worried about being a little, ahem, premature. We don't want to disappoint, and while wearing a condom can help - imagine giving someone a massage while wearing rubber gloves and you'll understand why - distracting ourselves by mentally running through our football team's line-up is a good way to ensure we can go the distance.

Why Men Fall Asleep After Sex

Men don't actually drop off after they 'cop off' to avoid embarrassing questions from you about where the relationship's going - there are deeper biological forces at work. Orgasm releases the same hormone produced during breastfeeding, which in women promotes mother/baby bonding, and makes you want to cuddle after sex. It's also responsible for putting babies to sleep as they suck, so why would a grown-up boy be any different? Besides, as an ex-girlfriend puts it, any man who doesn't fall asleep after sex hasn't put enough effort into it.