Self Esteem Building

What does this mean? What is Self Esteem? How do we know that we need to build Self Esteem?

Hello, I've been a psychologist in private practice for over twenty years. Self Esteem (good or bad) is central to and related to most human experiences and certainly connected to virtually every issue I encounter; from drug abuse to parenting skills, to relationships, assertiveness training--you name it. Fix Self Esteem and almost magically, there is improvement in lots, and I mean lots or other areas, including these four.

Self Esteem is something that evolves out of zillions of little messages that accrue in our heads over a long time. The average of these accumulated impressions, or "epiphenomenona" begins to emerge when our awareness reaches a kind of critical mass, which is at a younger age than you might think. Kids have budding self esteems certainly by age two. You might think that that oppositional behavior that parents hate so much is the beginning of self esteem, and you would be right. That occurs as early as age one and a half! For example, one of the first steps in expressing individuality is in saying "no," or from a parents' point of view, being oppositional. From a psychologist's point of view, this is healthy and marks the beginnings of personal power, or "individuating" (separating from others,thus defining self against what already is). In this case ones sense of self is expressed in behaviors that frustrate parents and its relative success or failure impacts the esteem of the child. Crude but effective.

But this is necessary, and from this early stage, children amass a ton of other messages about themselves. Are they the same height as other kids the same age? Are they as loved? Are they as smart. Can they run as fast? There are millions of comparisons kids make about themselves compared to the information they are fed about other kids. From this data base emerges a more complete sense of self, good or bad.

Most of you reading this article think your self esteem needs some improving, so I'm guessing yours, in spots, is "bad." You can tell this is true if there is too much sensitivity to criticism, resistance to accepting compliments, fear of being seen without some "cover" or escape route in mind, etc.

Building self esteem is about re-working the negative messages in a very specific way. It isn't about just thinking positive, or surrounding yourself with "up" people and lively activities. No, self esteem started, then evolved one idea and feeling and association at a time. And that's the way it can be changed.

In my ebook on this subject, I emphasize "thinking small," which of course is just the opposite of what most self help books preach. To build a self esteem, you literally have to take one of the millions of images, impression, thoughts or feelings that you presently carry, and work with it in a very special way. The technique I developed over twenty years is called the "Anchor Concept."

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