The last two newsletters have focused on the "Top Ten Excuses" single adults make for dropping out of the dating pool. Today, as promised this series will culminate in a frank discussion of what I believe to be the single most insidious factor in keeping people from dating. In no uncertain terms, nothing limits otherwise sharp and desirable people from pursuing and succeeding with the opposite sex more than this.

I am talking, of course, about GUILT…or SHAME, if you prefer.

Now having a conscience is a good thing. Such helps shape a sense of compassion and makes those who possess a solid one good citizens of the world. The problems start, however, when we let ourselves be manipulated into believing we are "bad" or "unworthy" OR when we refuse to forgive ourselves for past mistakes. The end result of a prolonged sense of guilt or shame is that we literally rob ourselves-and others, theoretically-of the healthy relationships that we deserve.

So tell me, have you ever been out with someone you really liked…but that person just couldn't allow him or herself to believe the two of you could have a great relationship? You know what I mean. Conversations about how he or she "doesn't deserve you", or "if you knew my secrets you'd reject me", etc. In the end, you broke up with this person…probably with a sense of frustration or even anger.

Give me a silent nod if you can relate.

Most "dating advice" would throw a blanket over such a situation and say that the person who makes such "lame excuses" probably didn't like you anyway and you just need to improve your "game". And that's sure to happen to many of you-as it did to me-before we learn to deserve what we want.

But in the real world of advanced dating skills, those who deserve what they want and become successful in the dating world will OFTEN discover truly terrific people who JUST CAN'T ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BE HAPPY in a relationship. You will be told "you're too good to be true". And sure, some people suffer from plain old self-esteem issues. Those "excuses" we covered already. The most tragic situation of all, though, is when people who TRULY DO deserve what they want let shame or guilt get the best of them. In these scenarios BOTH potential partners lose out, don't they?

Getting past simple "tips", "tricks" and "game" like we are going to do with the Power Sessions series means that those who deserve what they want in the dating world have got to get past the "paint by numbers" mindset and learn to look more deeply at human behavior and communications. I personally have met and appreciated several women prior to meeting my fiancée Emily who were absolutely stunning human beings on the inside and out. Some deserving guy should be incredibly happy someday to land any of them. And that guy may very well have been me…except the particular women I am thinking of simply could not get past emotional damage done to them.

Can you see the subtle difference between low self-esteem in it's raw form versus the effects of guilt and shame?

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