Of course, Jack’s story is an extreme example. But it typifies how personal patterns follow people wherever they go. Have you ever noticed that similar interpersonal dynamics between you and others develop over and over? This is not to suggest that you shouldn’t move or find a new boyfriend or girlfriend. What we are suggesting is that the most exciting journey is the one of self-discovery. When you know yourself and are able to dissolve the mechanical responses to your life, then the primary person you are relating to, you, will be an excellent companion.

TRANSFORMATION DISSOLVES THE REPETITIVE NATURE OF LIFE

We had a participant come to one of our winter retreats who was a victim of spousal abuse, having been hit, bitten and beaten. Even the family pet had been threatened with bodily harm. Here is what happened: Jim’s wife, Rita, was abusive (yes, women can be abusive, too). She would regularly fly into a rage and had once even physically attacked a motorist whom she found offensive.

Jim finally found the courage to dissolve this marriage. Rita was not going to change. She was unwilling to be responsible for her anger and how she expressed it.

So Jim found a new relationship. It started well but shortly, he discovered that he wasn’t any happier. His new partner was not physically abusive but communications between them broke down and physical intimacy was rare. Soon Jim discovered that his partner was having affairs.

Life moved on and eventually Jim met and fell in love with the woman who is now his wife. Although Jim and his wife Dahlia are happily married and have been for years, at first, the seeds for disharmony were there.

In the early stages of all three relationships Jim was excited, attentive and loving. As the weeks and months progressed, his habitual way of relating emerged and he became frantic at work, stressed, less communicative and his partners each felt neglected. Resentments grew, intimacy ended and Jim and his mate would fight.

Because we were a part of Jim’s life during all three relationships, we were able to see that he related in a similar manner with all three partners. However, each of these three people dealt with the stresses of his mechanical way of relating with mechanical, reactive behaviors of their own.

His first wife had a violent predisposition and his way of being evoked her rage. His second partner was more quietly aggressive and the way they related resulted in promiscuous behavior. Dahlia had a different predisposition. When upset, she traditionally became quiet, clingy, insecure and depressed. She would want to stay home every night and resented the time that Jim gave to anyone, even his clients.

Here is how Jim and Dahlia went from having a normal, quietly unhappy relationship to creating a great one: First, each of them realized that when upset, they had ways of relating that were not conducive to creating a magical relationship. With our coaching, Dahlia spoke up about what was bothering her and Jim actually listened without defending himself. He didn’t judge himself for how he was being and interestingly enough, Dahlia didn’t judge him either. She just wanted him to hear her, to know how she felt. She wanted him, the man she fell in love with, not the frenzied fellow he had become.

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