Have you ever done something wrong and thought that if you just apologize everything would be alright? Your problems would go away and everyone would be happy. You would come out smelling like roses because you took the high road and offered an apology. If it were only that simple! How to say sorry seems simple enough to do but its meaning can often be misinterpreted.

How many times have you apologized for something that you may or may not have done just to have the apology blow up in your face? You think you are going to make everything alright but your apology leads to more fighting. If this hasn't happened to you I bet you know someone that it has happened too.

So why doesn't an apology always make things right? How can an apology make matters worse? There are several reasons as to why this happens and why an apology can backfire and have the exact opposite effect than it is supposed to have.

One reason how to say sorry can backfire is because we use an apology as an admission of wrongdoing. We admit we were wrong but then we typically offer excuses and justifications for our behaviours. This usually leads to more arguing. You can change this by changing your mindset of what the purpose of an apology should be. Now the purpose of the apology should be to "accept responsibility for the rift in the relationship."

Another reason that apologies backfire is simply because we say the wrong things at the wrong times. What words we say can make the difference between having the apology lead to a productive discussion that can lead to resolving whatever problems you are having vs. an apology that leads to further argument. The most common mistake that we make saying I'm sorry is placing too much emphasis on who's right and who's wrong.

How to say sorry effectively requires you to be in the right frame of mind before attempting to deliver the apology. You should never lead your apology with "I know how you feel..." This type of statement can be offensive to the other person, only making them angrier. Your apology should be centered around acknowledging how the other person feels. This requires some thought and should not be taken lightly.

Before saying I'm sorry you need to be prepared regarding how you will handle the "why" question. When something goes wrong in a relationship the question of "why" always comes up. Why did you do this or why did you do that? This needs to be handled delicately and with sensitivity or the apology can easily go sour only to make matters worse.

Another aspect of how to say sorry that needs to be incorporated into the apology is to let your partner know how the situation has affected you as well. In doing so you must be careful not to place blame on your partner or be accusatory. You are still accepting responsibility for the problem but at the same time expressing how the problem has affected you.

Finally - in learning how to say sorry more effectively we have to learn how to apologize without defense. This simply means that we apologize without expecting anything in return. You offer an apology but realize that the other person may not accept it. It would be great it they forgive you - but they may not.