Kids

Birthday Party Ideas

Preparing

A Disaster Plan.

You would think,

wouldn't you, that the main aim of a Children's Birthday Party or, for

that

Matter, any Children's Party, was to make sure that the "little

darlings" have a lovely time.

Well, I'm going to let you into a secret, It's Not.

The primary objective of a Children's Party is to ensure that the

adults

present stay alive and maintain some perceptible level of sanity and

that the

house the party is held in remains an insurable piece of real estate.

No matter how much money you spend on entertainment for your children's

birthday party - bouncing castles, magicians, The Rolling Stones, live

elephant

rides - the "little darlings" are going to prefer climbing anything

that projects from the outside of your house, smothering the cat with

'silly string',

feeding the $1700 pedigree dog play-dough or hurling sticky food at

passing old

aged pensioners.

The older children, those over the age of eight, will be behind the

garden shed

smoking your lawn clippings.

If you are unfortunate enough to have a swimming pool, the water in it

will be

the colour of very weak tea by the end of the festivities and you'll

have to

get the hazardous waste experts in to sanitize it for you and stop it

being a

mortal danger to indigenous wildlife.

The most popular entertainers, at children's parties, are the clowns.

I'm sure

that you've all heard the song "The Tears of a Clown". That song was

written by an entertainer at children's birthday parties.

You can never hire a clown for a mid-week party as they're all in

specially set

up, Mental Health Department Funded, Clown Sanatoriums receiving

intensive

electric shock treatment to get them ready for the next Saturday

afternoon's

gig.

I feel sorry for the poor mothers who have to officiate on these

perilous

occasions. Hours and hours spent baking delicacies only to find that

the guests

prefer throwing and wearing the food rather than eating it. It would

make any

mother wish that she'd piled the table high with half-bricks covered

with icing

and hundreds and thousands.

If the party started at 2pm, by 3.45 all the

mothers are huddled

together in the bathroom taking turns at swigging from the gallon

flagon of

cooking sherry. They're safe in the bathroom, the kids won't want the

bathroom,

why should they? There's a perfectly good swimming pool outside.

The fathers are, of course, doing their best. They've either gone

fishing or

are in the pub watching the football.

Let

The Festivities Commence! 

"Cry

havoc and let loose the dogs of war".

I suppose that I

should, at this point, start giving you some ideas on how to stop this

chaotic

event turning into a full scale disaster that necessitates the

mobilisation of

the National Guard and all other emergency services.

Let's have a look at a few 'damage control' ideas.

Firstly it is a terrific help if you, or someone close to you, has a

military

background.

Preferably Special Forces and ideally the British SAS. This will give

them at

least a semblance of a chance of coming through the celebrations alive.

Planning is the name of the game for these fiascos. They have to be

planned,

well in advance, with military precision. I wouldn't go so far as to

suggest

snipers on the garage roof, but just about everything short of that.

One of the major problems is to make sure that the children's party

keeps ALL CHILDREN occupied

at ALL TIMES. There must

never be any lull in

the proceedings.

Un-occupied children cause havoc. It was un-occupied children that

caused the

downfall of the Roman Empire, the

Black Plague, both World Wars, Country and Western Music and the

invention of

the musical doorbell.

Keep them occupied! The children's birthday party must flow like high

grade

lubricating oil. It is essential that as one organised activity ends,

another

starts. Never, ever, give the "little darlings" time to think of what

they'd 'really' like to be doing.

Allowing children to decide what 'they' want to do is inviting a

disaster of

monumental proportions unless the orange juice has been liberally laced

with

valium. Your children's party will make the American Revolution look

like a

casual disagreement between two three-toed sloths.

Bored children at a children's birthday party would mean the end of

civilisation as we know it. Keep them busy, give them no time to think,

heaven

help us all if boredom sets in.

Make a timetable, have all the weaponry required for each activity

prepared and

in cardboard boxes, in chronological order. For example - sack race

3.10 start

• 3.20 finish - egg and spoon race 3.20.03 start and so on.

Did you notice? Only 3 seconds between events, any more than this and

boredom

sets in. Goldfish have a three second memory span, children, at

children's

parties, have a three second 'unoccupied quiet time' span. Any longer

than three

seconds and, well, you get the idea.....

You can give each of the children an empty cardboard box to take home

with

them. Just tell them it's a special present. This saves a lot on

cleaning up

after the party.