Chuck De Nomolos, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey

Universally resented by everyone from the music-loving peaceniks of the future to the members of Faith No More, this leather-clad megalomaniac is in severe need of some perspective. Surely the simple precepts of ‘Party On!’ and ‘Be Excellent to Each Other’ are a fine foundation for the world of the future? How can you possibly deny that ‘God Gave Rock & Roll to You’?! Oh, De Nomolos… if only you could be gifted some cannabis seeds, you’d soon see the error of your ways.

"D-Fens", Falling Down

Hot, damp weather is extremely conducive to the growth of marijuana seeds. What a pity, then, that Michael Douglas’ character instead chooses to launch a vigilante campaign of righteous indignation when he could have spent the day tilling the world’s favourite crop. It’s a known fact that very few growers of marijuana seeds angrily shoot up fast food joints for refusing to serve breakfast past 11.30am.

John Spartan, Demolition Man

So you were condemned for a crime you didn’t commit. So your wife and children were dead by the time you defrosted. So you’ve been subliminally taught to knit. So your worst enemy is starting to take over the town again and there’s no red meat in the future. Buy some marijuana seeds and get over it, you silly sausage.

Scrat the Squirrel, Ice Age

Strangely, this Squirrel isn’t that far from your typical grower of cannabis seeds. He’s so obsessed with the wellbeing of a single acorn that he risks life and limb on an hourly basis to ensure its survival. Just like your humble author. Aaaaaaahhhhh… Unlike me, though, he does need to chill out a bit.

Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor, The Lord of the Rings

That Sauron needs a little help relaxing is clear. It’s not so much the blotting out of the sun with putrid black clouds or the massing of ungodly armies that offends us, it’s the fact that he tears down forests to fuel his war machines with total disregard for their ecological systems. Somebody please buy him some marijuana seeds so that he can learn some responsibility! Thinking about it though, they probably already have. He is a giant red eye, after all.