Our brain structure is also why you’ve got to put external reminders in place, at least in the beginning. Unless we have a trigger from the outside—a note, a email reminder, a friend who shows up at the door to go to the gym with you--it’s very likely you’ll keep defaulting to the old behavior because it’s automatic. That’s also why it’s so important to be willing to start over no matter how often you blow it or get discouraged.

Do you keep hoping that a magic fairy will appear to make your dreams come true? That if you just read enough issues of Shape those thunder thighs will disappear? You’re not alone. Most of us are also not concrete enough about what we want and unrealistic about what we can reasonably ask ourselves to learn.

Here’s what a new client of mine said he wanted to learn in three months: "to be less nit picky and fearful; to be more optimistic, to be more responsible and empathetic; to be more creative; to be more productive; to live a healthier life and to take better care of myself." "How about create world peace while you’re at it?" I replied. "And what does `more’ mean anyway? Even if it were possible to focus on all of this in that time frame, how will you know if you are more of any of these things?"

As this client so touchingly demonstrated, we expect too much of ourselves and we expect to change overnight. When that doesn’t happen, we resign ourselves to staying the same, convinced that we are hopeless, weak, or unmotivated. Which makes us even more stuck. As another of my clients, eager to lose weight, puts it, "Once I eat the first cookie, I figure I might as well go through the whole box."

Top Ten Resolution Pitfalls

1. Being vague about what you want

2. Not making a serious commitment

3. Procrastinating and excuse-making—no time, wrong time, dog ate homework

4. Unwilling to go through the awkward phase

5. Not setting up a tracking and reminder system

6. Expecting perfection, falling into guilt, shame, regret

7. Trying to go it alone

8. Telling yourself self-limiting rut stories

9. Not having backup plans

10. Turning slip-ups to give-ups

To truly change requires three things: desire, intent, and persistence. You have to identify what you desire enough to be willing to stick to, make specific, measurable, achievable goals ("stop yelling at my kids" rather than "having more patience," and avoid the common pitfalls (see sidebar).

Armed with these attitudes and behaviors, you can cultivate any new habit or behavior. When you have this invaluable tool in your arsenal, you’re not just getting fit, becoming more patient, or writing that novel. You’ve become empowered to experience greater satisfaction and fulfillment in your life because you can now bring anything you want into being. You’ve become the master of your fate rather than the victim of old choices. How’s that for a Happy New Year?

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