On the other hand, anger properly handled never needs to be repented of. So learn to differentiate between the anger you feel and the words you speak. Anger carefully thought through, can reveal important information about needed changes. Focus on that, and ask God to show you what needs changing in the other person - and you!

"Let each one of you speak truth." Ephesians 4:25 NKJV

Rule 3: Keep it current. Storing anger in your hard drive only hurts you. When you download old resentments you start to rehearse them and grow bitter. "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks" (Lk 6:45 NIV).

When you're angry deal with it quickly. Don't passively allow time to decide your options, or sit around hoping the other person will see the light and apologize. "If your brother sins against you, go [to] him" (Mt 18:15 NIV). Try to resolve it and restore the relationship. When you repress it you add one more skeleton to your closet. Sooner or later, doctors say, it'll be at your stomach lining, attack your immune system, predispose you to heart problems, cancers and other physical, social and emotional disorders. Meantime, it'll preoccupy you, dissipate your energy, cripple your creativity, hinder your fellowship with God, your friends and fellow believers; not to mention that it denies the offender the opportunity to clear their conscience, repent and get right with God and you. Stop dragging up the past, trying to blackmail the guilty by hauling skeletons out of closets at "auspicious" moments, plotting revenge, and passing down resentments for the next generation to carry. Ask God for the humility and courage to deal with today's problems - today. When your head hits the pillow tonight, know that your issues are current, up to date with God and everyone else, and sleep well!

Rule 4: Keep it solution-focused. Someone has said that fellowship is like two fellows in a ship: one can't sink the other without sinking himself. By seeking to gain the upper hand you both lose. By seeking to save and strengthen the relationship you both win. So when you speak, be sure it's "helpful for building others up according to their needs" (Eph 4:29 NIV). Try to understand what the other person needs. Don't bring up previously confessed offenses; don't drag in other people; don't use wisecracks about people's weight, height, color, IQ, physical, mental and emotional limitations; don't bring up unrelated things that cloud the issue and keep you from finding a solution. And don't raise the volume in order to intimidate and manipulate. God made you with a capacity for anger because when handled the right way it's the fuel that brings needed change and the medicine that heals. So:

(a) Seek a solution, not a "victory." Name-calling and "diagnosing" others only makes things worse. Your focus should not be on what they did, but on what you can do together to resolve it.

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