Have you ever had an argument? It’s a silly question, for sure. Everyone has. You know, in that moment, when you’re so sure that you’re right, when you just wish the other person would hear you - your version of reality, that is, your right way of looking at the world. If they would only understand the world the way you do, everything would be fine!

But then, they are thinking the same thing in that moment, believing you should listen to them. Their way, after all, is the right way, the only way. Can’t you understand?

And then, the next day, you both wonder what you were arguing about. It’s often something arbitrary, and even when it is something important, or seemingly important, it’s not nearly as significant as the damage done to each other in the process. The struggle is not about the thing or situation, but rather an internal struggle that was played out between two or more people.

Observing Our Thoughts For example, I have an idea for solving a problem. Having an idea is good. This is not the problem. The problem occurs when I become attached to that idea being the best idea. I believe it’s the "right" way. The only way. And in that moment, if I listen to these thoughts and I need to be right, then you must be wrong. And if I am not very empathetic, or if I forget to be empathetic in that moment (I could be tired, moody, without coffee…), I can become pretty forceful about making my idea heard. I might even tell you how inaccurate or improbable your idea is just to make my point.

When this happens, I stop valuing you as a human being and instead, value my idea above all else, to the detriment of our relationship and my self-control. In other words, this is when things get ugly.

An idea is never of greater value than a human life. And yet, in that moment, it can feel as if there is nothing grander than our ideas, being heard, and being right.

Since I am devaluing you in favor of my great idea, the result is that you feel bad, belittled, and uncomfortable. You may become angry. Depending upon your modus operandi, you might withdraw and shrink, saying nothing but feeling hurt and wounded wishing for it to be over. You could become resentful (angry at yourself) for not being able to stand up for yourself. On the other hand, if you have an idea that you believe to be "right," then you might start telling me how bad my idea is and we go back and forth, hurting each other.

The more you feel yourself pushing or forcing your idea on someone else, the more this thought pattern is taking over. It’s in charge. It feels like you have lost yourself and someone else is taking over as you watch this drama unfold. And if it happens often, you might even feel like it’s an automatic response, one that you are so accustomed to that you believe it’s just "who you are."

The Self-Esteem Challenge There are other factors at work here. As I go about telling you how wrong you are, your self-esteem could be impacted. For many people, their value is attached to their ideas. In other words, if the value you believe you have as a human being comes from your ideas, then what you hear is not that I don’t like your idea or that your idea has no merit; but rather you hear, "She doesn’t like me." You hear that YOU have no value. And in the scheme of things, we ALL have to have value so you will defend yourself and your idea to the nth degree in order to feel valued.

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