Cremation

The first Christmas after her husband’s death, Marta knew she couldn’t stay in their home for the holidays. "After my have-to list was done," she says. "I ran away to Hot Springs, Arkansas and stayed for three days in a hotel. I indulged myself in the famous hot springs baths and got a massage. A Christmas Eve service on TV and telephone time with my family on Christmas Day was all of the holiday that I could handle. The rest of the time I read, cried and ate chocolates. I allowed Christmas to flow around me that year. It was the best that I could do." Getting through the holidays without our loved one is one of many challenges we face in the first year of our loss. We are challenged in so many ways that we cannot take loss in all at once. We can only see the world from where we stand; and to most of us, our new world looks and feels like landscape without gravity. There are no maps to guide us through this fresh grief. But others who have made the journey can help by sharing what they have learned. They show us it is possible to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones along the way.

Working Your Way Through

After my daughter’s death in 1982, I learned that the first year’s grief doesn’t flow neatly from one stage to the next; it has multiple patterns, fluctuation cycles, lots of ups and downs. First-year grief will surprise you in many ways, but here are a few things you can expect.

Expect Sudden "Grief Attacks"

Practical matters demand attention in early grief when we are the most confused and least interested in things we use to care about. We must decide how to get through each new day. Some days getting out of bed take all the energy we have. Trips to everyday places like the grocery store feel so different, In my case simple things like seeing my daughter’s favorite cereal on the store shelf brought immediate, excruciating pain. I call these unexpected reactions "grief attacks." And unlike the response we would get if we had a heart attack while shopping, those around us don’t know what to do. We get good at hiding our pain, at postponing grieving for a more appropriate place, a better time.

Expect Exhaustion And Disruption

Early grieving is perhaps the hardest work you will ever do. It is common to have difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite and blood pressure, tense muscles that are susceptible to strains, a weakened immune system. Be sure to tell your physician about your loss and any physical symptoms you have. If your doctor can’t or won’t listen, find one who will! After a loss, many people return to work, school or other activities feeling vulnerable, less confident about their capabilities, less able to concentrate, distracted by memories and flooded with emotions that disrupt thinking. For others, work is the only place they are able to concentrate-focusing on tasks helps take their mind off their loss for awhile. Those around us may have unrealistic expectations as we return to work or school. When one mother whose only child had dies returned to work, her supervisor greeted her by saying: "I’m sorry about your loss but I want to talk to you about improving your work performance." Expect to be stunned by the ineptness, thoughtlessness and discomfort of some people, and to be thrilled and deeply touched by the kindness and sensitivity of others. Sometimes those you expect to support you the most can’t or won’t meet your needs, while others you weren’t that close to before reach out unexpectedly. Our loved ones are still and always will be a part of us. They are threads in our fabric and we cannot lose their love.

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